The Word Cloud

This is the second installment of my original blog - don't worry, only three more to go. Same style as the first one - so once again, my apologies for the use of bad language. Oh, and the swearing too... It does seem that I had not yet read the chapter "less is more".

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Right, so this is Tuesday ok?
Geddit? Tuesday
Not Thursday but Tuesday…
Good

Off we go then…

Yesterday *cough* I gave you a brief synopsis on the book. So, and this is the best advice I can give any aspiring writer; Write. You do not have to write clever JKR quality stuff at first. You do have to edit it. And edit it. And then edit it again. Best edit it again. Now get someone else to edit it. Honest, trust me on this. Oh, and don't use friends or family too heavily; they are biased. EzBird was a godsend, however; "You want me to read what? Sword and sorcery like shit?" (sic). She's a chicklit lover and refuses to watch The Lord of the Rings. For a whole day. End to end. All 12 DVD's. Plus Dorito's… Which means that when she blags the first chapter she's tough. Not in storyline or plot; but right where it counts: Speling (sick)… :o) and "scan"; as in, I can't be arsed reading this shit it doesn't scan properly… I'm telling you, editors like her are worth a pigging fortune. And she's all mine! Get your thievin' mitts off! Get yer own!

Ahem. Anyhoo… So the what. Sariro lives in an idyllic world; simple farming and constant sunny days, no wars, etc. That's because, get this, he lives in Paradise! He doesn't know it yet, or maybe not for a chapter or two. So here's how it goes; Sariro thinks "The End of Times" is a premonition but he is wrong;
Its not a future event; it was an historic event! Fuck me, this is brilliant!

Ok. So why does Sariro have dreams? They don't just happen… oh… wait, yeah they do… tits. Nah. I have a better idea. In my dream, (remember that? It was soooo long ago) Sariro was battling the bad guy who was excavating an old citadel. He was digging to release a… dragon. So what if the dragon is there from day one? Right, so Sariro is not "magical" until he… sleeps near the dragon. Dragons, whilst sleeping, and they can sleep for years, exude magic (or emohem as we will always call it). So Sariro sleeps with the dragon. Oh for heavens sake; will you keep this clean purlease. Near the dragon. The dragon is buried under this excavation jobby so… Sariro gets lost in caves. Cool.

Ok. Why? Why was Sariro in the caves, the daft twat? Got it! Oh you are going to love this! Ready? Sariro and his best friend… are camping in the forbidden lands (as a dare) and get lost in some caves…
Shit. Another character. Right. This will take a day or so, so give me a mo will you?

Ok here we go; Sariro's younger, shorter (I bet you have absolutely no idea where I'm going with this! I know that because… I have absolutely no idea where I'm going with it…) best friend is Phollebir. Oh yes!
Phollebir Jare (Folie Begere . . . ) geddit? He he he he. So, Sariro's nickname for his younger, shorter (wait for it, wait for it) best friend is… gnome. Oh yes! This is called a self fulfilling prophecy - shit I am good! And Phollebir is the bad guy doing the excavating during the third book. And at the end of the third book… oh no you don't! Like I'm going to tell you that. Not until I've worked it out properly anyway…

So,  type type type, blah blah blah.

First chapter begins with the two boys arsing around some caves, long story short; earthquake (dragon snoring…?) new holes; boys fall through; sleep near, not with, near Dragon. Job done. Lots of rewrites, edits and days later; it's pretty good, even if I do say so myself.

Right, where's that writers workshop website, I remember seeing something about the first chapter. Aw, crap; Start with a bang; leave the background until later.

Eh? What the fuck is that supposed to mean?

It means, old chap, that those 2,500 words beautifully describing the cave and how emohem seeps into your soul from sleeping dragons will bore the living tits off anyone dumb enough to pick up your pathetic novel; probably in the bookstore, which means… buy your book? You'd think they would…

Aw for fucks sake. What else?

Right; To attract a publisher or literary agent…
Good, good, that's the plan.
You have to grab and retain their attention in the first 50 pages…
Uh?
If they don't want more after 50 pages you're writing is fucking shit and they'll throw you to the crows.

Well I may have paraphrased that a little, but you get the idea. Piss.

Ok. Scrap the cave bollocks. Start with… oh I dunno… oooooo, let's start with the end! Yeah, yeah, yeah, like I don't know it's been done before. Get a book on it baby; every fucking thing has been done before. It's not what you do; it's how different you are in doing it.

So, where was I?
Oh, yeah; The first 50 critical (no pressure then) pages. So; We're at the gates of Paradise and Halfir stands in front of Irsi. Grinii is smeared on the ground in front of him, having been creamed by the Evil Gnome before we get there. Halfir curses, Irsi sneers (all bad guys sneer. It's what they do, s'true). Irsi wangs a nasty at Halfir who ducks. But Irsi is smarter than that - he doesn't aim for Halfir. No, he aims at the stonework above his head. Bang! Down comes the arched doorway and turns our glorious last hero to pulp; without the hit records (If you don't understand, Google it; if you did understand and just didn't think it was funny, then this book is soooo not for you…) In goes Irsi. All hell breaks loose… literally as this is literary. (As opposed to littery. Which it may be…)

Awesome!
Ok, Chapter one, continues with some chat between Kentse and Sariro; ooooo, I know! Sariro recounts the legend about the end of the world. But his dreams don't precisely follow that line! Perfect! So the legend has been… exaggerated, no… embellished. Yes! Chinese whispers (Google should so be your best friend by now) means that everything is wrong. Oh yes everything! Well, nearly everything… Holy shit! This is a cracker! So Sariro and Kentse do some chatter about the legend. Then he talks her through his first dream. He describes the land, the people, the fortress and a citadel in the middle. Oh oh, wait up; after writing 8,000+ words describing this world it’s no good. Well, when I say no good, I don't mean no good, obviously it good but it's just "describing sunsets". And an action, fast paced, beat 'em up doesn't stop to describe sunsets; otherwise the reader (that's you lot. Oh yes it fucking is. I'm not doing this for love y'know. I'm doing it for the money. So get your wallet out and go buy a copy. Stop reading it in the library you tight wad) otherwise the reader (that's you… oh, done that already) gets bored; at best skips all your hard work, at worst puts the book down. Both fatal for sales of the sequel, or in our case treacle… ROFL. Geddit? It’s a play on words! Oh come on! It's a trilogy! The third book is a triquel! Goddamn you people are hard to please.

Anyway; just like painting when you were five years old; you take one great fat blob of colour and smear it all the way from one side of the canvas (well, paper) to the other. So it is with writing; grab every paragraph and make each one a chapter.

Sixteen chapters, all with a bit of sunset in 'em. Yay! Perfect. Ok now what?
Plot
Eh?
Plot.
Yeah got that; Irsi, gnome of darkness; paradise, Sariro stops him yada yada yada.

No
No?
No
No.

Plot is the characters having a mission and what they do to obtain that mission; sucking out their personalities and spitting them at the reader without dropping sudden solutions or unrealistic dramatic situations out of nowhere (Deus ex machina - I've read books like this and boy, was I pissed at the end, and no, I will not be reading that author again.)

Ok, so Sariro has to have some goal and a path to his goal and a whole bunch of options to choose from. I get it. Plot. Fucking hell, this is difficult.

Here we go; Sariro has to deal with now being intelligent, when before he was… thick. He has to grow up. Quickly. So what's to stop him? Himself; He's reticent at first to embrace this new him. Bit of a wimp then? Ugh. Yeah. Not good; no-one likes a wimp. Ok. We need to balance wimpy Sariro with overtly bloodthirsty… um… oooo, I know; Kentse.  His muse, Kentse, a bored rich girl is a hero worshipper! Perfect! Ok, so his lack of action pisses her off which means… he has to do something. Why? Um… because… he's in love with her…? (Hopefully) Ok. (Nods, slowly) We can use that. Yeah, he loves her. Unrequited love; bingo! Ok, so he does something wimpy, Kentse throws a right royal wobbler and she dumps him. No, not dumps him, coz she never went out with him. She… refuses to see him. Oh yes. Right. Wow. Ok, now we have a taste of a plot… Cool.

At some point during this last three months I have managed to write quite a fair bit of this novel. All based on this concept. The main thing to realise is that I am not just juggling this book but I have to bear all three in mind. And then I have a bit of an epiphany. Another book. That's four;
1.) Paradise Falls
2.) [Hell] Falls
3.) Paradise Regained
and now
4.) Hero Trials (Like the ten trials of Hercules only with Halfir, Grinii and ultimately Irsi)

Um, whilst I'm at it there are at least another… let's see… two after this;
5.) Dragon Thieves, which is the tale of how Irsi sneaks into the Dragon realms and steals the 25 eggs of the Dragonatomies that feature in Book 1. (EzNote: This title has changed since I regurgitated this garbage; it is now called The Egg Thief.)
6.) Mist Trials; Which follows Kentse's return to her native land/people and how she causes mayhem.

Ok, lets see; what's next?
Sense Impressions.
Eh? Pretend to be a smell?
No, you twat; what strikes the other senses? Smell, Touch, Taste, Sound? Lots of sight, but not much of the others.
Ahhhhh, gotcha!
Right.
Whizz through the chapters and make sure that all the senses are catered for!

Ok, Smell.
Smell? What the fuck smells? The book (I now have a book by the way…) says go out and smell around. Uh, ok… I live in a bit of a rough neighbourhood but if it's for my art…

Ok, so that was the dumbest fucking idea I have ever heard. Damn nearly got the living shit kicked out of me; Sniffing around I get accosted by some dick with a crew-cut, scar and scowl.

"What the fuck are you doing?"
"Hmm? Oh, don't worry; sense impressions" says I, happily.
"You calling me senseless?"
"Eh?"
"C'mere you prick" (Smack)
"Aww, for fuckth thake! Thath my fuckin' nothe!"

"Did you just call me a twat?"
"Eh? What?! No!"
"C'mere you prick" (Smack)

At this point play sound of running (away) feet.

Sense impressions my fucking arse.

Tomorrow, *cough*, we'll go through the chapters; add in some more characters etc. If I can be arsed.

;o)
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Ez