Unknown, Alternative Historical Facts

Published by: Dolly on 1st Oct 2017 | View all blogs by Dolly



  Oliver Cromwell

It's generally agreed upon, that The New Model Army formed by Oliver Cromwell, altered the way armies were formed, and battles fought. Cromwell's tactic of attacking the enemy without warning, brought a sharp rebuke from the Parliamentarians, who considered it to be 'ungentlemanly', because you shouldn't attack someone until they are ready. In their eyes, battles should agreed upon by the two warring factions, who set a date, time and place to go and slaughter each other in large numbers.

Baron Ooozeethinkeeiz: 'My uncle the duke said we can used part of his land for the battle, there's plenty of room., easy get two armies on it.'

Duke Ifiwuzchoclatideeatmeself: 'That sounds alright. When do you want to do it? Only I can't do next week, I've got a few things on.'

Baron Ooozeethinkeeiz:: 'Ok. What about two weeks on Tuesday?'

Duke Ifiwuzchoclatideeatmeself: 'Tuesday....Tuesday, no, I'm afraid I can't do that either, got my sister coming over with her lot. Family thing. What about two weeks on Thursday?'

Baron Oozeethinkeeiz shakes his head: 'No, sorry, can't do that, busy. What about the following Saturday?'

Duke Ifiwuzchoclatideeatmeself: 'Saturday eh? Yeah, that sounds alright. What time?'

Baron Oozeethinkeeiz: 'How about an early start, say around half eight?'

Duke Ifiwuzchoclatideeatmeself: shakes his head: 'I like a bit of a lie-in on Saturdays, you know what Friday nights are like. How about half elevenish?'

Baron Oozeethinkeeiz nods his head in agreement. 'That'll do!'

And off they would go and meet up on the Saturday, around half elevenish and slaughter each other in large numbers.

Cromwell however, made sure his troops were well trained, and pushed them relentlessly, so they would be ready for anything.



'It's always August under your armpits!

This is part of a little known quote from the eleventh century philosopher Harry Stottle, used by Oliver Cromwell, and as far as we know, only once. The validity of the quote comes from two sources, only recently discovered from the descendants of two soldiers from his new model army. One from Henry Scoggins, and the other from James Entwistle who both wrote home at the same time, and although they didn’t know each other, were both present at the time when Cromwell uttered the words.

The incident took place in January, although is difficult to tell from the letters which year it was. It seems that Cromwell had a section of his army on a training exercise, and during the day, there had been a heavy snowfall. The sky had cleared, and as the sun went down, a deep, penetrating frost formed. Cromwell’s new model army was camped in and around Cromwell's home. Some had managed to find shelter in some of the out buildings. The rest had to make do the best they could in the open. Cromwell himself was warm and cosy in front of a big fire, a Sunday roast with all the trimmings, and a jug of mead. It could be said that his soldiers, who were wrapped in blankets and anything else they could find, and gathered round meagre, miserable fires, weren't best pleased with the situation. In fact you could say they were thoroughly pissed off.

Cromwell, realising that the severe cold could affect the morale of his troops, decided to brave the cold and move among them, talk to them, try to raise their spirits, and show them he was one of the boys, just like them. He approached the group that contained Henry Scoggins.

'How are things men?' he asked cheerily.

'They’re not!' scowled one soldier, shivering.

'My things are shrivelled up!' replied Henry. “In fact, my balls are so shrivelled I haven’t got two anymore, there’s only one, and that looks like a midget walnut!”

Cromwell drew himself up, struck a heroic pose, and said grandly, 'Take heart men, be of good cheer, have faith in God and remember, even in the coldest, darkest night, when all seems lost, it’s always August under your armpits!' This is the rest of the quote from Harry Stottle, who was also known to have advised Harold just before the battle of Hastings, (See chapter on Harry Stottle.)

Feeling pleased with himself he strode towards the next fire where James

Entwistle was slowly turning blue. He repeated the performance with similar results. As he walked away, he thought he caught the word ‘twat’, floating in the still night air.


This puzzled Cromwell, who was aware of the word, as he had read it was used by Richard the Lionheart at the battle of Acre, (see chapter, Richard the Lionheart.) and wondered how any of his soldiers could know it. The speech didn’t prove popular, and there is no record of him using it again, which probably explains it rarity, and the slow popularisation, of the word twat!



  • mike
    by mike 9 months ago
    Dar Dolly,
    I have just read a book by Gombrich, called 'A Short History of the World' It had been written in Germany in the 1930's and is a history of the world for children. . Gombrich settled in England just before the 2nd world war began, England isn't mentioned much. It wascountry more interested in colonial trade than in Europe. Wellington gets a one line mention and Blucher was responsible for the victory at 'Waterloo. It could be called an alternative history compared with the same events considered by an English historian.
    A film had been made about 'The Charge of the Light Brigade' which makes you point. I recall that Raglan and other officers watched the charge from a mountain view while they sipped tea with the ladies!
  • Dolly
    by Dolly 9 months ago
    Hi Mike. I'm not surprised at that at all! They see themselves as 'the ruling class, born to rule'. They still exist today. The Tory party is full of them. Marx summed it up by saying: 'The rich will do all they can to help the poor, except get off their backs!'
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