Unknown, Alternative Historical Facts

Published by: Dolly on 1st May 2018 | View all blogs by Dolly

 

 

 

           Lientenat Colonel George Armstrong Custer         

June, 1876, and the combined tribes of the Sioux, Northern Cheyenne, Blackfeet along with some Crow and Arapaho, numbering approximately ten thousand, left their reservations, gathered and camped along the banks of the Little Big Horn and Rosebud rivers, and defied the United States Government by refusing to return, saying they’d had enough of being buggered about. They also said they were more than a little pissed off with being lied to and cheated out of their land by the white man, and insisted they weren’t moving. The government once again ordered them to return to their reservations, and once again they refused. The general feeling amongst the tribes, was along the lines of, 'if you think you’re hard enough!'………

The United States government responded by sending a column of troops under the command of Brigadier General Terry, with twelve companies of the 7th Cavalry under the command of Lieutenant Colonel George Armstrong Custer.

Now, it is a little known fact that Custer was a keen ornithologist, and had a copy of the Boys Own Book of Birds, which he took with him everywhere he went, quite often boring the arse off fellows officers by ‘waffling on about bloody birds’, as one officer put it. He was ordered to proceed towards the Little Big Horn River.

While all this hoo-ha was going on, some of the chiefs of the combined tribes had a meeting. The subject was the 7th Cavalry, and Custer in particular, who no one seemed to like. Sitting Bull called him a ‘lying bastard’, Crazy Horse thought he was ‘an out and out twat’, and Red Horse and Rain in the Face both agreed he should ‘get his bloody hair cut and stop

 

poncing about trying to look like an Indian with long hair.’

It was around this

time that Two Fingers, a Northern Cheyenne chief thought he’s stick his oar in.

For students, or anyone else who might be interested in North American Indian culture, the following might be of some interest. Two Fingers was previously known as Buffalo Nose, and the reason he changed his name gives a rare insight into how Indian names were arrived at. Buffalo Nose, as he then was, was called Buffalo Nose for, well, obvious reasons if you had met him in the flesh, and noticed the size and shape of a very prominent nasal feature.

His dad, Bear Head, after pacing up and down all night outside the maternity wigwam, was called in to see the product of his loins.

‘What’s that on his face?’ he asked.

‘It’s his nose,’ said one of the midwife squaws.

‘He looks like a bloody buffalo,’ said a shocked Bear Head.

‘What are we going to call him?’ said his mum, Silly Cow.

'Buffalo Nose,' said Bear Head. 'What else?'

Anyway, Buffalo Nose had noticed that white men often insulted each other by sticking two fingers up at each other. Whatever the meaning of the two fingers gesture, and sometimes a one finger gesture, it seemed to work, as the party it was being inflicted upon became more than a little agitated, and in some instances almost homicidal. Buffalo Nose tried it on some of his friends, without much success, as they didn’t understand the meaning of the two and sometimes one finger gesture. He switched to sticking his fingers up

 

at the white man instead. This had an immediate effect, especially if he stuck

his tongue out at the same time, and shouted 'nah,nah,na,nah,nah!' Every white man he did it to, went red faced with rage, to such an extent, that some of them even started showing signs of epilepsy, and it didn’t matter if it was

one finger or two either, the effect was the same, which was great news for Buffalo Nose. He changed his name to Two Fingers, and told everyone he knew about it, and it started to become popular among the tribes, especially the young warriors.

‘Met him once,’ said Two Fingers, referring to Custer.

‘Yeah?’ said Crazy Horse. ‘What happened?’

‘Totally boring,’ said Two Fingers. ‘Kept waffling on about bloody birds. He even had a book on them called the Boys Own Book of Birds.’

’You’re kidding,’ said Four Horns. ‘You’re ‘aving a laugh.’

‘I kid you not,’ said Two Fingers. ‘I was trying on my new war bonnet at the time, you know, the fancy one with all the feathers. Anyway, he started rhyming off all the birds that the feathers came from, and showing me in his Boys Own Book of bloody Birds. Can you believe it? As if I didn’t know already. The bloody cheek!’

There was a lot of head shaking and tutting from the chiefs, as the story only confirmed what each one already thought of Custer.

 

The terrain around the Little Big Horn River in Montana is known to have high bluffs, ravines, and to undulate to such an extent that it is thought that an army could hide in one of the dips. It was here in June 1876, that

 

Lieutenant Colonel George Armstrong Custer and his entire command

perished at the hand of the combined tribes of the Sioux, Cheyenne, Blackfeet and Arapaho, in what is now known as Custer’s Last Stand.

It was here that a relief column found the remains of Custer’s command. At first, they assumed all had perished, but to their amazement,

they found one survivor, a Sergeant called Fanshaw. Unfortunately, by the look of his wounds, he wouldn’t be a survivor for much longer, and sure enough he died soon after they found him and was unable to give a full account of the battle. However, he was able to give an account of what happened in the moments before the battle commenced.

According to Sergeant Fanshaw, Custer was a bit peeved that day as he had forgotten to pack his Boy’s Own Book of Birds. However, this disappointment was offset by the thought that they were going to the Little Big Horn River, where Custer hoped to see ‘a significant amount of interesting water fowl’, as Sergeant Fanshaw quoted.

The column, led by Custer, with Sergeant Fanshaw in attendance, topped a rise and stopped, as Custer had spotted a number of birds swooping and diving. He dismounted, took out his field glasses, and began to observe the diving, swooping birds.

‘Lovely plumage sergeant,’ he said. ‘Lovely plumage. What a pity I haven’t got my Boy’s Own Book of Birds, I could have told you what they were. Come and have a look Sergeant, have a look at the lovely plumage.’

Reluctantly, the sergeant dismounted, took the field glasses, and trained them on the birds. After a few moments, he handed the glasses back.

 

‘Isn’t that a sight?’ said Custer, excitedly.

Sergeant Fanshaw, whether he agreed or not, nodded that it was. It was at this moment, that the Sergeant turned around in order to remount his horse, and caught sight of the massed ranks of the Indians.

‘Lovely plumage,’ repeated Custer. ‘Lovely plumage.’

‘Never mind the lovely plumage,’ said the sergeant. ‘Look at all those fucking Indians!’

‘What Indians?’ said Custer, who was facing the wrong way, and still observing the diving, swooping birds.

The sergeant tapped him on the shoulder and pointed. ‘Those Indians.’

Custer turned around. ‘Oh,’ he said, putting the field glasses to his eyes. ‘Those Indians.’

       

He observed them for a few minutes with his field glasses. Taking them away from his eyes, he turned to the sergeant and said, ’you know, there’s a chief down there with a war bonnet on, and I think some of the feathers are from a Lesser Spotted Ring Tailed Oozle Thingy, which is very rare, although I can’t be sure they’re from a Lesser Spotted Ring Tailed Oozle Thingy. I’ll have to write a letter to the Society of Birds when we get back. If only I had my Boy’s Own Book of Birds with me, I could tell you what bird every feather came from. What a minute, who‘s that next to Crazy Horse? Well, well, would you believe it, its that rascally scallywag Two Fingers. You know I once met him, he was called Buffalo Nose at the time, and with good reason. God, he was ugly!’

It was at this point in the narrative that Sergeant Fanshaw groaned and

grabbed the sleeve of the nearest trooper.

‘We never had a chance. They were all over us! Lovely fucking plumage he said. Lesser Spotted Ring Tailed Oozle Thingy he said, we didn’t stand a chance!’

He softly moaned and died, as his body gave one final shudder, his breath one last, rasping gasp. His eyes rolled once, and he was gone.

 

 

Comments

9 Comments

  • Mat
    by Mat 20 days ago
    Heh heh, nice write. Top hat. :)
  • Squidge
    by Squidge 20 days ago
    Hehehehe!
  • mike
    by mike 19 days ago
    Dear Dolly,
    'War Bonnets were formed of Eagles feathers. I saw one in exhibition. It was given to john Buchan and there are photographs of him wearing it. Life is grim and humorists are much needed.
  • mike
    by mike 19 days ago
    I would have attributed 'I kid you not' to Frankie Howard. I am wrong. It originated with an American comedian called Paar.
  • mike
    by mike 18 days ago
    I thimk its not only an alternative history but an alternative country. This is Custer's last stand in the Surrey Hills!
    I wonder if there is a story in Custer not recognising eagle's feathers and the rituals associated with it? Ie he had not understood the culture and could not read the signs. I only came across this becau,se of the museum exhibit.
  • Mat
    by Mat 18 days ago
    They were injuns, Mike, and he was captain Custard, you'll remember from childhood? He had to wipe them out.
  • Dolly
    by Dolly 17 days ago
    Hi mat, glad you liked it. Wasn't it Colonel Custard who did it in the drawing room with the poker?
  • Dolly
    by Dolly 17 days ago
    Hi Squidge, Well, if it makes you go hehehe, it's mission accomplished!
  • Dolly
    by Dolly 17 days ago
    Hi Mike. It seems to me that the North American Indian was viewed at best as an obstructive nuisance that had to be removed by any means, and at worst, vermin. Either way, they were totally misunderstood and badly mistreated.
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