Violent men.
A girl I know has a tendency to attract weirdoes’ and psychos. When
I met her last week, she told me of one of her dates. She had met
this guy in a grocery store and ended up inviting him to her place
to watch a movie. That had been one of her most disturbing dates
ever, he had been laughing in a deep, rich and contagious way
throughout the movie.
I could not quite see the problem, so I asked her to explain. She looked at me with a rather odd look.
“We were watching “Schindler’s List “
This is only one of her weird and scary dates, some of her dates have even been violent.
The violent ones, she always chucks out at once, without giving them any benefit of doubt.
This brings me to a problem that always makes me wonder. Many women are repeatedly beaten by their men, and they seem to accept it.
Why don’t they chuck them out, or leave them? Do they believe they can change them?
This greatly puzzles me.
I could not quite see the problem, so I asked her to explain. She looked at me with a rather odd look.
“We were watching “Schindler’s List “
This is only one of her weird and scary dates, some of her dates have even been violent.
The violent ones, she always chucks out at once, without giving them any benefit of doubt.
This brings me to a problem that always makes me wonder. Many women are repeatedly beaten by their men, and they seem to accept it.
Why don’t they chuck them out, or leave them? Do they believe they can change them?
This greatly puzzles me.
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16 Comments
Your mate is lucky that she finds out their horrible side before she gets too involved. Tell her to stop bringing strange men home!
I am sure many of us have taken stupid risks like this at one time or another, but your friend is really increasing her chances of getting hurt. I would definitely suggest she doesn't let strange men into her home after just meeting. Maybe she is a bit too lonely?
I have actually been on the other side of domestic violence my ex wife was insanely jealous and had attacked me many times.
I have been hit with mugs thrown with great velocity, furniture, and attacked with knives. I used to quickly disarm her and then we would go through a pattern of, Regret, remorse, self hate and finally her way of trying to make it up to me.
Once she was punching and kicking away and in desperation I pinned her against the wall until she calmed down and once she had she realised her mouth was bleeding from where I had restrained her and she complained that I had hurt her!
Her problems, abusive childhood, violent parents all the usual nasty stuff that kids shoud not have to go through.
Why did I tolerate it? No idea!
Gonna stop now not to easy to talk about this shit...
In my personal opinion, (as this is a huge subject that Khaloth has raised), both the perpetrator and the victim of the abuse are victims and are, as Norm says, reliving history. An abused person will subconsciously attracting an abuser to relive their abuse, over and over. Not because they enjoy being abused, but because this may be their opportunity to beat the abuse this time. Unfortunately, they just add to their feelings of inadequacy, or alter their views and the ways in which they deal with the abuse to compensate, trying to give it a more appropriate ending so they can move on and get away from ‘it’ this time.
The sooner your friend realises she is worth more than this, she won’t stop inviting abuse into her life. It’s great she gets rid of them as soon as she realises, but to not attract them in the first place would be even better for her. By you describing that she invited what was basically a stranger back to her house to watch a film it alerts me to the fact that her self esteem (however it may appear to the outside world), is pretty low. As a reoffending ‘victim’ himself, he would have picked up on this. Each time she puts herself through such an event, whether she gets rid of the abuser or not, her self esteem lowers even more simply by attracted a person who isn’t good enough for her. How can she be too good for this type of person if this type of person keeps coming into her life – it must be all she’s worth!
Once she realises she is in fact abusing herself, and these men aren’t responsible, they are simply being who they are, she can start to move on. She should make a start by only going on a date in future if he’s putting effort in, such as a meal.
It’s not a lot to ask if she likes herself as much as she hopes the men she is meeting do.
My ex held no fear for me and she knew that hence she was able to 'vent' on me and she needed in some way to go through the cycles to bring herself to an equilibrium again.
But those who offer violence just like serial adulterers know exactly what they are doing, the only cure..Zero tolerance.
We are responsible for ourselves and if we allow people to abuse us we only have ourselves to blame. It may be the other person handing out the abuse, but they're only doing it because they have a willing victim. The victim needs to take control, not of the abuse as it's too late by then, but of their lives. If they can deal with the issues that have put them in that situation in the first place, it's the only way to combat it; not by zero tolerance once they're actually in the situation. By finding themselves in the situation in the first place it reflects their victim role and enforces it. By getting rid of the abuser it does show strength, I agree, but why then do some people (not all) go on to attract one abusive partner after another? It's only my opinion, and I have every sympathy for people in abusive relationships.
a) admit there is a problem and
b) be able to seek help.
People in these situations have quite often lost friends through to alienting themselves- either because the abuser made them or because their friends couldn't bear to stick aropund to whitness what's going on. It is a horrible situation to be in- but I don't agree that all abusers deserve sympathy.
My friend was in a relationship a while ago now and although he wasn’t physically abusive, mentally he put her down, made her feel weak to the point we wouldn’t see her because she wouldn’t go out unless he was out, she thought she was fat, ugly and this is a beautiful girl. I still don’t know why she stayed with him for the time she did and they split up just before they bought a house together, we were all so relieved. When we ask her now, why? She says, I don’t know, I really don’t know.
I think we are all so used to routine and patterns of events, our days are full of them from the moment we get up. If that routine suddenly starts to involve, ‘oh after a drink he/she will get violent and act like this’ or ‘if I don’t do something this way then the result will be.......’ It will become the routine that is expected. Then there will be the pattern that comes after: hurt or scared, the blame, the apologies, the way you forget about it until the next time. (and Norm you are obviously more expert than me on this, I can’t believe you had to go through what you did) Then I suppose you get stuck in the routine rut – so to speak.
Shit happens I have moved on, my concern is for those who cannot or are still stuck in the cycle and believe me it is a cycle.
From their horrible 18 months of torture they now enjoy a huge pen of 30 x 15 ft a warm shed and all the grub they can eat. It is so touching to see them out and enjoying life, perhaps a lesson for all of us who have come through these dark tunnels eh?
I am sorry Norm for your experience.
I disagree Tony about people being able to stop themselves. Some people can, some are aware of their actions and the making up and remorse follows but some can't - they go into a different darker place. It depends on the depth of the abuse the perpetrator has experienced and their own fear; of loss or need to control a situation.
Why don't the victims leave? There are lots of reasons. Some financial, some because the love is powerful, mostly fear. The person being abused believes that they are worthless. Some because they think it will be okay and work out if they say/do the right things.
A huge topic.
But I agree that your friend is leaving herself open to abuse.
What goes on inside their heads could be vastly different to that inside yours. Accept that there are abusers and there are victims. Accept that individual minds work differently.
Laughing at Schindlers list could be as much a release of pent-up emotion than cold-bloodied appreciation. The question your friend should have asked is Why?
When I was younger, my immaturity was such that I sought out the sickest of jokes. It didn't make me a bad person - it was that I couldn't handle emotion very well.
To my friend this is more of an annoyance than a big problem. What irritates her most is the wasted time, once she even had to spend time in jail after chucking out one weirdo. She came home unexpectedly and found him busy shaving her gerbils, in the nude. During the process of chucking him out, she accidentally broke his left arm and ripped of one of his ears, and was unable to prove that it was in self-defence.
She has stories enough to fill a book, but of course, no one would believe them.
Stephenterry, the man was in the early thirties, if he still is THAT immature, he was not worth keeping anyway.
...but I would also kick him into touch!
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