The Word Cloud

So, maybe I had calmed down by this time...? There seems to be less anger, agression and general naughty word...ness. I do seem to have slipped into "90's young duuuude" mode and not in any enjoyable way. I've cleaned this up a bit - spelling mistakes plus "gonna" and "coz" have been, for the most part, culled. Thankfully. My aplogies if this is going off the "boil", I was well chilled by now...

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Ok, today's entry is about the language I use. As I have mentioned in previous posts, I like the following ideas; TLA's spelt out (Yuessohay) and I've extended this - more later. George Bernard Shaw's fabulous fish; GHOTI. So now I have two languages and I use them in two different ways. Don't panic, if you get confused I'll, um, carry on regardless… Let's face it, I really haven't got a bloody clue myself so you don't stand a hope.

So let's start with the language of emohem. Mind Over Matter, remember? Oh ffs, you are useless - look back. You don't have far; this is still a new blog ok? Lazy buggers.

Right so that's all well and good but how to divide up the words, as every word is now it's phonetic first letter, you would for example end with one word like this; Tecuebeefjayohteelde. (The Quick Brown Fox Jumped Over The Lazy Dog) Which is a gobfull and no mistake; soooooo. We need a rule to help and what better rule than the rule of three? Every third letter is a new word. Tecuebe efjayoh teelde. Spanking! Now, the important thing to remember is that this is a magical language. So, where all other languages are interpretable, this one isn't. It just isn't. How do you know that the above three words don't mean Tiny Queen Beatrice Finally Judged Olaf The Latvian Demon? You don't. And that means that it's a good language for the mysteries of emohem. Of course, the emohem expert needs to know, so with every use of the language the speaker/writer/whatever leaves a tiny blob of explanatory emohem - like a wax seal. Goddamn this is good.

Now what if our emohem is an expert? Let’s call him and emohemee. Ooooo, these are longer than three but not so long as to make sense; An emohem ee. That just looks shite. So, lets use the fantasy writers most over used tool; the apostrophe. Now, we are taking the piss a bit really, 'coz let's face it, how many times do you see those wonderful names and foreign words (and we know their foreign 'coz they've got an apostrophe in 'em, geddit?) split to help us with our diction? All the time, no?

Here we go; emohem'ee. Hmmmm, nearly but not quite; How about em'ohemee? Oh yes.

Ok, a quick squiz down the alphabet and set the words up;

A=Ay, B=Bee, C=See, D=Dee, E=Ee, F=Ef, G=Gee, H= urk! Um, come back to that one…, I=Ay… awww tits, come back to that one too…, J=Jay, K=Kay, L=El, M=Em, N=En, O=Oh, P=Pee, Q=Cue, R=Ar, S= Es, T= Tee, U=Yu, V=Vee, W= eh? Ah…uh…fuck it, back to that one too…, X=Ex, Y=Wy, Z=Zee or Zed
Whoop!
Although, I reckon you can prolly spot what is fundamentally wrong with the old language. Yep, there is an awful lot of EEEEE's, so many my heads spinning…

Ok, new rule needed; Where we have two vowels together, like say "Up Is Down" (a direction altering chant to be used when faced with towers that need to be climbed or something…) How the fuck should I know? I'm just pigging winging this as I go. Shut up. So Up Is Down would be Yuaydee - which is a bit of a mouthful when spoken for the first time BUT if we say that every time a double vowel hits the beginning of a word we swap the second vowel to the actual vowel… hold on, I’m getting lost here… oh, yeah so the second is left as a real one;

YuiDee - Yoo-eye-dee (much easier to pronounce).

If, on the other hand, the vowels are together at the end of the word, then we make the first vowel the real one; Level Eighty One is Eleeoh so it becomes Eleoh. Get it? No? Tough, it's happening. And it's in there by the bucket load!

Ok, one more slight hitch; triple written vowels; Level Eighty Four looks like this Eleeef, which just looks stupid, so lets get rid; new rule; written triple letter vowels; the double is shortened to a single; Eleef looks better.

One more rule just because I thought I was fucking brilliant; at the end of a word E is replaced with I but still pronounced EE;

B=Bi, C=Si, D=Di, E=i, G=Ji, P=Pi, T=Ti, V=Vi, Y=Wi and Z=Zi

This way when discussing the novel you'll be in a secret society that knows how to pronounce the words properly won't you? My advice; don't correct their mispronunciation, just look smug knowing they are soooo pathetic and have not cracked open this blog. Winner. Or you could be the novel guru that does correct them and help them by pointing them toward this blog. If you wanted…

So, still have a bunch of issues; H, A & I, and W

Here's how I got round them;  H = Aitch, or Aich or Aytch but mostly avoiding using those words if you can…! A=Ay or Eigh (as in Eight) and I=Aye. Ha!

So we'll wang up some basic emohem practitioners;
Em’ohembe – MOMB – Mind over matter beginner,
Ayem’ohembe – AMOMB – A mind over matter beginner,
Tiem’ohembe – TMOMB – The mind over matter beginner;
Em’ohemyu – MOMU – Mind over matter user;
Em’ohemee – MOME – Mind over matter expert;
Em’ohemti – MOMT – Mind over matter teacher;
Em’ohempi – MOMP – Mind over matter pupil;
Ha! You get the idea. So that pretty much wraps up the magical language. Lot's of chanting and shit; some written toss yada yada yada.

Now, the names of the characters I've already explained, and as I come up with some more; I'll drop 'em on here. Honest.

So I came across another piece of advice in one of those bloody books from EzBird;
Place.
Oh for fucks sake, what now?
It is important for the reader to have a sense of place.
Eh?
When reading a new novel, no matter what, it is good to have a sense of familiarity.
Oh crap.

But, now, there's the place names that need thinking about. Like, whilst I'm not interested in telling the tale from the beginning; On the planet blah in the land of bleh, I might just as well write it was a dark and stormy night… Oooo, that's pretty good actually, no, no, you can't… can you…? No. Stobbit. Stupid.

Back to place. So, according to the long and… dreary … article, dear readers, apparently you lot get lost finding your arse. Maybe I'm only selling me book to bright readers? Ok, maybe not. I figure that make it a really niche, niche, market. You know I'm only kidding right? Right? Hey! Where are you going? I was only joking, oh come on! Maybe I'll tell you about the article on not thinking you are smarter than your readers another time…!
:o)

So, back to place; the theory is that if you write your novel about, say New York, then knowing the place and making the odd reference helps the reader settle into the "place" especially if they have been to or live in New York themselves. In fact, there is a bit of a "Hey! I know where he's talking about! It's just over there! Behind that car. That's on fire."

But, in my novel there is no such "place" - not in reality; it's all in my head. So how do I get you there? How do I describe what I really feel awkward about? How do I tell you that the world is unknown, I have no idea how big the planet is? Oh god! Do I have to know how the solar system works too? The Universe? Are there stars? Moons? Shit, how would I know? Oh Christ this is going to be a complete fuck up isn't it? Pull yourself together. The audience is listening.

So let's see, a good start is to name the village. Now that is easy; I'll nick it from a couple of Ozzies I know (That's a whole different story). Hell, I nick so much from them already, how the hell would they know? So here goes; Leicestershire. Loughborough. Or as they like to call it looga barooga… You gotta love those antipodeans.

So Sariro comes from, ah, let's wheech it around a tad; Luga B'ruga (Gotta have an apostrophe, no?) There ya go.

Now, these guys run to "safety" so where are they running to? A place in the mountains but they'll not get there without passing thru another place. Big breath. Ok, this one is for EzBirds brother (also RIP, damn this is depressingly regular); he was taking Bird (his girlfriend of the time) on holiday. She wanted to go somewhere exotic. He didn't. So he told her he was taking her to Mablé Torpé. Or, as we in the UK know it; Mablethorpe…! The guy was a genius!

So, as he was the quintessence of "Live" as in "Live your Life", I dedicate that to him. I am Living my dream, he lived his. Thankfully computers can't kill you. They can't… can they? Computers? Kill you? Can they? Hell, why am I asking, you lot? Sheesh. I must be going mad.

Ok, so that's language and stuff covered. Now what else was I going to tell you? Oh yeah, Beasties. Hmm - now this is the reverse of reverse psychology… or psychology as I like to call it… (chortle). Here's how it goes; pick up a book called "How to interpret your dreams" or some such and spin through it looking for natural or supernatural imagery and you'll get pretty the much same thing; unicorns = penis, horses = penis, dragons = hot penis; cats = soft fluffy…penis (?). What I'm trying to say here is that no matter what animal you chose, real or imaginary it's your penis. If you are a women, well that's different. It's someone else's penis, obviously…

So, take that and spin it on it's head a touch. And we have my pincipia Eydeene. Eydeene is this planet. Did I not mention that? Ooops. I D N E. It Does Not Exist, simple. Are you getting any of this?

The point is every mythical (in our world) beastie is not a personification of some male organ (on Eydeene); but rather a power trip of “mankind”. This means that every beastie I introduce will have started with a man. A plain old simple bi-ped. Dragons? Bi-ped. Centaurs? Bi-ped. And so on and so on. How about that?

The next update may jump around a bit…! As, originally, this journal was my procrastination from the novel and now I want to, er, procrastinate from this too - because I’ve forgotten where I was and all that. As you can see; this is sooo planned. Oooooo; planning! Yes, that's what I'll talk about, er… tomorrow?

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What I found interesting is the way that the novel has actually evolved. Some of this blog is still pertinent but some, such as the"chants", are not; the dialogue is relatively free of this made up language, although there are some references still. And it is evolving still; the latest iteration may make some more of this language redundant. Truth is, though, it was still necessary to go through this thought process. (Maybe not the blog though...!) It is so strange looking back, even only a couple of years!

Hey ho. Reflective mood today. Maybe it's the sunshine. So it won't last long then...!

Ez