You Know You're A Writer When...
You Know You’re A Writer When...
1. You’ve run out of file colours to keep all the hand-written pages of different works
2. Your default template setting in Word is double-spaced Times Roman 12pt.
3. Whilst reading another writer’s work, you find yourself thinking, ‘Too much tell, not enough show’
4. Credit card companies reject you purely on the grounds that you don’t have a fixed annual salary
5. You’ve found yourself using the word procrastination more and more
6. You have over 40 different versions of a document with the same title-beginning: .docs, .txts, edit(7), synopses, opening chapters...
7. Whilst editing, you’ve suddenly thought, ‘Ooh, those socks need pairing’
8. You have a drawer that just contains pens. Some of them stolen
9. Battling with your MS for the past two years isn’t such a conversation stopper
10. Your computer’s Writing directory actually contains more files than your Funnies directory
11. You think you’ve invented a new genre of fiction
12. You find yourself circling words that end –ly in your kids’ homework
13. You’ve stared at a computer screen for more than an hour without actually adding anything
14. Publishing houses have somehow transformed from those great places that print books into fortresses that must be stormed
15. Introduced to an arrogant journalist, a little voice in the back of your mind can’t help piping up, ‘Pfft, not a real writer, then...’
16. A rejection doesn’t make you utterly depressed for a week anymore
17. You cut a lot of slack to a rubbish film because the central character is a writer
18. You’re the only person you know who uses the word conducive in everyday speech
19. Just for a moment there, you thought one of your characters was a real person
20. You know what an unsolicited submission is
21. Quoting someone in an email to a friend, you pause to consider whether to use double speech marks or single
22. You found yourself nodding and smiling at most of these
Please add more of your own...
1. You’ve run out of file colours to keep all the hand-written pages of different works
2. Your default template setting in Word is double-spaced Times Roman 12pt.
3. Whilst reading another writer’s work, you find yourself thinking, ‘Too much tell, not enough show’
4. Credit card companies reject you purely on the grounds that you don’t have a fixed annual salary
5. You’ve found yourself using the word procrastination more and more
6. You have over 40 different versions of a document with the same title-beginning: .docs, .txts, edit(7), synopses, opening chapters...
7. Whilst editing, you’ve suddenly thought, ‘Ooh, those socks need pairing’
8. You have a drawer that just contains pens. Some of them stolen
9. Battling with your MS for the past two years isn’t such a conversation stopper
10. Your computer’s Writing directory actually contains more files than your Funnies directory
11. You think you’ve invented a new genre of fiction
12. You find yourself circling words that end –ly in your kids’ homework
13. You’ve stared at a computer screen for more than an hour without actually adding anything
14. Publishing houses have somehow transformed from those great places that print books into fortresses that must be stormed
15. Introduced to an arrogant journalist, a little voice in the back of your mind can’t help piping up, ‘Pfft, not a real writer, then...’
16. A rejection doesn’t make you utterly depressed for a week anymore
17. You cut a lot of slack to a rubbish film because the central character is a writer
18. You’re the only person you know who uses the word conducive in everyday speech
19. Just for a moment there, you thought one of your characters was a real person
20. You know what an unsolicited submission is
21. Quoting someone in an email to a friend, you pause to consider whether to use double speech marks or single
22. You found yourself nodding and smiling at most of these
Please add more of your own...
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24. You know what the word 'egregious' means.
25. You realise that 'dark matter' is composed of screwed-up sheets of paper.
26. You pick up a copy of a certain magazine in a newsagent and turn to a certain page and check out you name under the title.
You know you are a writer when you can no longer read a book for pure pleasure, without noticing or looking for errors.
32. When you stop in mid-shag to jot down a short story idea. (I haven't actually done that, but it could happen.)
33. When you get so involved in thinking about your revisions that you drive straight through a red light. (Have I actually done that? I'll take the fifth on that one.)
35. When you have more addresses of agents and publishers in your address book than friends.
36. When you spot screenplay potential in every children's book you read.
37. When you wake up in the middle of night and switch on the computer to re-write that tricky bit of dialogue.
38. When your kids are fed up of beans on toast for tea again 'cos mum's got to finish this chapter, and doesn't want any interruptions.
39. When you find yourself reading your unfinished novel to your toddler for a bedtime story, and asking for feedback.
40. When you think this blog just might have publishing potential, if it grows anymore.
41. When you wake from a vivid dream and think 'That's the plot for a novel!'
42. When a book title suddenly appears in your mind and you scribble it down before you forget it.
43 When you stop listening during a conversation because you've started thinking about the plotting for Chapter Six.
44. When you come downstairs early on weekend mornings in your dressing gown so you can write while the rest of the family are sleeping in.
45. When you're irritable because you haven't had your writing 'fix'.
46. When the sight of an A4 brown envelope on the doormat makes your stomach sink to the floor - and when you feel light-headed with relief when you realise it's not what you thought it was.
47. When you take a notebook to write down ideas for two hours in a row during a car trip to Germany.
48. When you start yelling "Woho!" out of nowhere just because you thought of a perfect scene for your book.
49. You read agent´s and publishers´blogs more then anything else (incuding online games).
51. All your friends need to know your opinion of the last book they just read.
52. You have a permanent callus on the inside of your finger.
54. When you read a story in a magazine and say, Pah! What tosh! I can write better stories than that.
55. When you feel the need to add contributions to threads that other writers are adding too.
56. When you no longer include 'Writing' in a list of your hobbies.
57. When you can quite easily map out a whole chapter in the time it takes you to mow the lawn.
58. You enter 'Writer' as your occupation on your car insurance, even though it'll cost you more.
59 When you write a lot and don't talk about it much – instead of talking about it a lot but not writing much.
60 At the wheel in the fast lane of the M1 you have a thought that has to be scribbled down before it's lost and gone forever, and you're rooting in the glovebox for a scrap of paper and a Biro.
62 On the porcelain throne, you've summoned the other half to bring you a pen. But not paper.
63 Whilst inebriated you've had the beshtesht ever idea that will definitely sell millions, but totally forgotten it the next morning.
Actually, when utterly smashed, I did once force myself to write down the most fantashtic concept ever that was oozing with intrigue and profundity. I read it the next day, and it was complete tripe.
65: Upon going out, you forget your wallet, keys and phone... but you remember the notebook and pen!
Elysia - I do number 64 anyway.
66. "I'll do a bit more after dinner," you say. Next thing you know, it's dawn.
Tony, which mag? Can we have a look and say 'I know this man?' Claim to fame by connection.
"Well, Terry, the first book was tough to get published, but I never stopped believing..."
To quote another of the films I appreciate - The Castle (Aussie):
"...Tell 'im he's dreaming."
Charles Handy has some good paradoxes, although not even close to the Xena one. You ever read The Empty Raincoat?
Got another one for you (only 23 more to go!)
77. You finish typing in all the red edits, then turn back to the first page of the manuscript and pick up the green pen (sigh).
83. You follow 'said' couple through their shopping trip to keep listening. Until they confont you or get security to remove you from the store.
I s'pose it'll make it easier to post a link to the follow-up blog to this:
http://www.thewordcloud.org/members/profile/114/blog-view/blog_1714.html
I don't think I can get this link to be 'clickable', so a cut 'n paste job, I'm afraid.
( Come on, people: only 13 more to go! )
"How long? Five years! God, what you writing - War and Peace the sequel? Ha-ha-ha."
You KNOW you're a writer coz you release your grip in time ... wouldn't fancy writing from a prison cell.
96. Every single dream, no matter how bizarre, is analysed to see if there is any potential for a story in it (that pink and purple invisible train in the attic has just got to fit in somewhere!).
101. Other Writers forgive you when you use "your" instead of "you're" because they know you're really much better than that when not messing about on blogs.
(Oh this is you 'know you're a writer when. . .' and not: 'you know you're a BAD writer when. . .' - my apologies)
109. When you designate time to write NO MATTER WHAT and, instead, get really engrossed in a minor research thread that leads to another that leads to another and suddenly you are an expert on wardship and inheritance issues on knight's landholdings and you haven't written a damn thing.
The Ed at New Writer Magazine has indicated they'd like to run more, so I'm hoping for a fuller print of this list, the accompanying article I wrote to go with it and a mention for The Word Cloud specifically. But that won't be out 'til the Autumn.
In the meantime, add the odd one every now and again as and when they come to you...
Had another one in my head recently, didn't add and darn'd if I can remember it now! Probably wasn't worth posting.
111 ... when you get a note from your child's primary teacher, asking that if your child would like to bring in paintings she did at home, could you please make sure that in future they're not painted on pages of your discarded manuscripts, because the children can all read now, and it was a sex scene in a brothel...
Emma D is ill. Oh, no, my mistake. She's 111. That's a fine contribution, totally original and perhaps the beginning of a turn towards the left field?
112 Aliens invade Earth, and when communication barriers are finally overcome, it transpires that they came to wipe us all out because of a stray radio signal they picked up from a BBC 7 show that included one of your sketches, which deeply offended them.
MOST IMPORTANTLY: A huge thanks to Spangles for spotting the mag run, which I otherwise would have totally missed and never known about.
114. Your parents ban you from writing during exams :(
116. You miss a section out promising most faithfully that you will go back and fill it in later...
117. You are sobbing uncontrollably for hours before anyone can make sense of the gibbering that equates to "I've just had to kill off Edward, my hero's third uncle twice removed but who was such a lovely guy..."
118. You have a small, secret and very private notepad full of practice signatures and witticisms - for the marathon global book signing.
119. You have had StampsRUs make a big rubber stamp with your signature and a witticism - for the book signing of your copy in Braille.
120. You can diagnose pulmonary heart disease and imminent syncope from the chest pains and shortness of breath... which is how you killed off Uncle Edward.
And finally
121. When you wake your partner and they say "are you getting up already?" but in fact you were just getting *in* to bed at 6:55am.
123. When you seriously consider locking up your shop to stop all those irritating customers from trying to buy things and give you money so you can finish that chapter!!
#124
I would add one more point to the Writers' Workshop list in Miscellany (WM, July): you know you're a writer when... you have an overwhelming desire to tackle all the ironing in the basket (even that very creased shirt that has been lying at the bottom for the past year). But, as I nodded and smiled - and even laughed out loud - at the list, I guess that must mean I am a writer!
- JANE O'BRIEN
Sandwick, Orkney
125. When you are thrown out of Costa for writing down other people’s conversations.
126. When you use the excuse of needing that glass of wine to:-
a) facilitate writerly flow.
b) begin that MS
c) begin that re-write of the MS
d) celebrate completing that re-write
e) have the courage to place MS in the envelope
f) have the courage to place a stamp on said envelope
g) have the courage to place said envelope in the letterbox
h) have the courage to open the returned envelope to see what's inside
i) have the courage to quit drinking!
*hic*
(Thank the Lord for Montepulciano.)
127. When you are asked to decide between ‘flowers or fizz’. Yay!
129. When you spend all your Tesco Clubcard Vouchers on stationery; food will have to wait.
130. When your stationery runs out before the next Tesco Clubcard Vouchers are due.
131. When you're so engrossed that you forget to switch on any type of heating or put on any type of knitwear and then realise that your fingernails have turned blue.
132. When you're so engrossed that you forget to pee and then you suddenly stand up...problem solved.
133. When your ophthalmologist strongly recommends that you quit using a laptop altogether because it’s knackering your eyesight and you’re at risk of going blind.
Mum didn't look best pleased, so I made a run for it. Did I mention she was huuuuuge?...Her mother was pretty large too come to think of it.
Coward? Moi?...Oh come on, give me a break - it was Kettering. If I'd argued my case I'd have probably been incorporated in tomorrow’s haggis. Hell, I'd have been tomorrow’s haggis!
(N.B. People of Kettering, rest assured - I come in peace. Honest.)
Thrown out of Costa, does read a lot better than ran cowardly out of Costa so an orca-fat pikey didn't mince me into her haggis.
#134 ...you've risked your life just to get a good line.
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