YouWriteOn.com part 2 reviews
I put my First Case of Strees on the site for reviewing, and below
it are two responces.
I must confess I didn't quite know what to make of this at first. I liked the humour and the original style and, on the whole, I thought it worked well. I did find the accent of Mrs P irritating and I am not sure it was totally convincing 'ants boring into your think hide' being one example. Either that is a spelling mistake or a terrible rendition of an Irish accent. The language improved however as the story progressed. I would just go over the initial parts and perhaps speak the lines aloud.
Your story did have a point to make and it did so with gusto and spirit. I enjoyed the comic humour e.g. 'It'd have to be a toughish morsel, my dear' and the small breakfast of half an acre of forest. The hippo 'Hippy' clearly saves the day and I loved the little speech he makes to cheer Mr P along. All in all a nice treat.
Good luck with it.
i read the synopsis with interest and began reading the story with anticipation of humor. i was surprised to find that you had chosen to set the story in the prehistoric era. that was quite a surprise. but the good thing is that the surprise did not come with disappointment. i read the piece at one go and found it quite good if not very humorous or funny. the ending is fine and holds with the narrative. the characters are also interesting. the pace was racy and the narrative smooth and convincing. all in all i found it an easy to read piece but for the specific terms that you use.
i did wonder about one thing. is this for children? or a magazine? or do you have a series of such small episodes lined up?
best of luck!
I must confess I didn't quite know what to make of this at first. I liked the humour and the original style and, on the whole, I thought it worked well. I did find the accent of Mrs P irritating and I am not sure it was totally convincing 'ants boring into your think hide' being one example. Either that is a spelling mistake or a terrible rendition of an Irish accent. The language improved however as the story progressed. I would just go over the initial parts and perhaps speak the lines aloud.
Your story did have a point to make and it did so with gusto and spirit. I enjoyed the comic humour e.g. 'It'd have to be a toughish morsel, my dear' and the small breakfast of half an acre of forest. The hippo 'Hippy' clearly saves the day and I loved the little speech he makes to cheer Mr P along. All in all a nice treat.
Good luck with it.
i read the synopsis with interest and began reading the story with anticipation of humor. i was surprised to find that you had chosen to set the story in the prehistoric era. that was quite a surprise. but the good thing is that the surprise did not come with disappointment. i read the piece at one go and found it quite good if not very humorous or funny. the ending is fine and holds with the narrative. the characters are also interesting. the pace was racy and the narrative smooth and convincing. all in all i found it an easy to read piece but for the specific terms that you use.
i did wonder about one thing. is this for children? or a magazine? or do you have a series of such small episodes lined up?
best of luck!
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Now, on this site my warning for this piece reads:
Before you read this, it is important that you understand that this was speed written for a challenge on the Cloud in May. As a part of the challenge, readers got to choose what major components were included. As a result of this, there are some strange things happening in here. Don't blame me, I just wrote it.
It's scruffy, contrived and has no manners whatsoever. It's as rough as a badger handbag and has not been edited or polished. That said, some have found it entertaining. Hang on to yer hat...
It is a VERY rough piece. It is a VERY contrived piece. I did not post up this diclaimer on YWO as it would have given them ammunition before the piece was read.
So far, I have 1 review (with another 2 pending). This reviewer was soooo carelful to hit his 100 words that he exceeded that minimum by... sod all. Nor did he find anything unusual about giant wasps, knitting bee's, feminists or bending the poor girl over a bin:
Hi there. I would like to start by saying, great picture! I really like it. (Used 15 words of his 100 min to thank me for the cover art!).
I don't really know much about biker gangs and the trouble they cause, but this certainly opens my eyes to it.
I think your story is well written, and the pace is good.
You have written in a way that the reader becomes engulfed in the story, which is good.
Your characters could maybe do with more background to allow the reader to be more sympathetic. (You gotta be fucking kidding - the protagonist is a homicidal maniac! Sympathetic?!?!)
I think you have done a good job with this piece, and I wish you luck in the future
So. Good then? I dunno? What about the tracheotomy? The lurid pink CV6? The main protagonists amoral attitude?
Now, what did that tell me? Sod all. Other than he hit his 100 word minimum feedback on the button.
Not impressed so far, let's see what the other two come up with...
Giant wasps? Deadly bikers? Mysterious brotherhood? To say that this kind of story is not my thing is an understatement. But I read the extract with interest, and though the beginning was a little slow for my liking, I found the extract enjoyable. You have a good handling of the prose and don't waste words. I had a minor confusion when Alice first appeared, thinking initially that she was Flynt's missing sister, but I soon discovered that she wasn't. It must be the mark of a good writer that I was deeply uncomfortable during Gerald's self imposed tracheotomy, and even more uncomfortable during the wasps impregnation. I won't think twice about getting my wasp killer spray out the rest of this summer!
I think you need to improve your pacing just a little, quicken things up a bit. And I think you should introduce the fate of Flynt's sister a little earlier than you have, just to end any confusion with Alice. But all in all this was an interesting piece with a good foundation for building a good novel. Best of luck. L.x
Deeply uncomfortable? Scoooore!
"Quicken things up a little." Now there's a comment I've never had leveled at me before... Bugger!
AW
This is a graphic and horrific story, that describes the breakdown of society as we know it. It makes exciting reading which I feel could nevertheless be improved upon.
You begin many of your sentences throughout with the word He, which makes for much telling instead of showing.
e.g. 3rd. paragraph. I suggest something like Satisfied, he sat down and lifting his gloves off the dull metal petrol tank, pulled them on. Forcing each finger to the end of it's passage before balling his fists to make sure.
4th para. You have the words 'two digits' very close to each other.
There are times when you could leave 'he' out of the body of the sentence. e.g. para 9. you could just say. Scanning the area, he listened for it again.
When you bring Alice into the story, the 'she' and 'her or hers' occur with the same frequency as 'he' and 'his'.
If the two men that circled the building are the same two man that protected it, I believe the sentence should begin The two men.
The wasp's head, not the wasps head.
As soon as his booted feet hit (not hid) the inside of the room.
Your description of Gerald performing a tracheotomy on himself is a terrific insight as to what a person will do to survive.
Good luck.
Some good advice there. I'm impressed. They do seem to be taking this as a serious piece though...
AW
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