The Word Cloud

We are reaching the end of 2011 and I am reviewing everything I wanted to do, everything I have done and what I want to do next year.

At the beginning of this year I set myself the usual collection of ‘goals’ to try and reach by the end of the year. This involved things like attend aerobics (which I managed for three months before I accepted that I have NO co-ordination and was just embarrassing myself). I have managed most of these but some have fallen into the dust. I have not managed to finish learning to drive this year, nor did i attend a paralegal course I had my eye on. But these are triffiling matters as I accomplished more than I did not.

I finished drafting the 3^rd draft of Grey Wings. I managed to have a holiday (first one in 4 years). I have entered three different writing competitions. Finally I managed to keep my hand in on writing short rough stories at least once a week (these rarely get posted but I like writing them).  

I had a promotion in April, more work and a higher wage which has been wonderful (I love my job) and although there have been the odd week where things have gotten on top of me I feel like I’m getting better and better each week.  I’m very much looking forward to the Christmas party on Friday.

I wanted at the beginning of this year to pay off my credit cards and one of my overdrafts. However unforeseen things have happened as they always do and I could not do this. So I did the next best thing and re-financed. This has gotten rid of the epic levels of interest and while the debt is still there it is no longer crippling me on a monthly basis so I’m much happier than I was.  I count this as a win.

As for 2012 I’m enthusiastic. 2012 years ‘goals/resolutions’ will be pretty similar to 2011 only hopefully better organised.

I am going to attend a gym, not a class like last time. Just me, my I-pod and a running machine. I’ve booked another holiday in July/August. I’m booking my theory test for February and hopefully a practical test for April/May depending on fitting in lessons.

I am going to send Grey wings off to the cloud when I get it back from my proof reader. Then hopefully make whatever changes are needed and start sending it out to agents before the end of the year. I’m not sure which of my novel ideas I am going to work on in 2012. Practicality suggests Amenti (cutes story about cats and Egyptian gods) as it has already been roughly drafted. But I am itching to play with my Ghoul Mya.  

I’m sending my application to write my dissertation off hopefully by the end of the month. I’m just waiting on a reference and a re-draft of my personal statement. I am hoping to write on how the current government’s changes to ‘Conditional Fee Agreements’ that is ‘No Win, No Fee’ agreements is going to affect access to justice for the normal man. That’s how it stands at the moment. I’d be very interested in hearing what other peoples years have been like and what your goals/resolutions are for the next year.

Quandary alert!

Ok so I used to work in Darlington as a Building Surveyor/ Architectural assistant. I left in 2005 after 1st child because I found out the 2 peeps they hired to take over my work load while I was on maternity leave (note it took 2 people to do my work) were both getting paid more than me. I found a job closer to home that paid a lot more money. Unfortunately that job disolved after 6 years when I was made redundant in April 2011.

So I have been unemployed for 6 months. In that time I have resolved myself to never go back into the building industry ever again. I have applied to do a PGCE next year so that I can train to be an Art teacher. I am in fact awaiting confirmation of my interview.

This morning I got an email from an ex colleague from the Darlington job, saying that one of the guys has left the building department and that they have been trying to contact me to see if I want my old job back.

I don't know what to do. I'm working 16 hours a week in a shop at the moment. The job's great but it's minimum wage. My old job pays more than what a newly qualified teacher makes *but* - it's going backwards isn't it? Or is it? Plus the commute was 45mins drive each way- which isn't a killer but I'd need to get the kids to school in the morning. Ah but I'd have a real wage coming in.

I don't know what to do.
What should I do?

Someone posted something which made me think...about Love.... Actually Love?…… One week anyway……

And do I love a dirty pint of cider. On a hard Thursday, you finish late and tired and dirty …and before you go home you stop in at the Duck and Dive and Tomo is pouring your pint even before you sit on the stool. You drink a third of it on the first pull and it takes down all of the coffee taste, the pork pie you had for lunch…and a fair bit of phlegm which has condensed on all of the dust in your mouth on site…..


You go home after just two and you have already dumped half the stress of the day when you grab her and make the kiss last longer simply because you know how bad you smell. Dinner is waiting and the post has been edited or dealt with…and after eating a great meal far too quickly than it deserved, you grab a quick shower and sit down to watch a bit of the reality shows she Loves to watch just because you Love her enough to see what interests her.

You would Love to beat to death with a hammer all of the people in the reality show which is anything but any reality you have ever known. You nudge her when the credits role and nod your head towards the stairs. You go up and brush your teeth again and set the alarm and think about a bit of toe wrestling with her when she has closed up the house and made her way up stairs.

You feel yourself slipping away to sleep as she gets in bed and seeks the warmth of your body. You manage to kiss her ear and take in her smell and promise yourself as you drift off that at the weekend you will make time to make the time…..to make Love….

A few hours later…. At the 5000 mile mark on the M4 you stop for coffee because you love having one as the sun comes up. You take the time to seek out a proper services stop with a branded coffee shop rather than the cardboard and diesel flavour of the petrol shop ones… At the counter you see a couple hugging and kissing and you smile…

They sit down at a table several rows from you and the voyeur in all of us makes you watch their verbal intercourse. She is dressed for him. Nice skirt, pattered stockings,. Probably the real gear rather than tights….and a nice top. He is dressed for the office or the client…You guess that he/they have emerged from the Travel Lodge on this services…

His phone goes and you can see his expression change as he takes it….She looks down at her coffee and it slowly dawns on you that although they are a couple this morning, they are not each other’s other half….. You can see the affection that they seem to have for each other and you realize that Love doesn’t always bring happiness.

As you finish you coffee you think about how fragile Love is and how easy it is to confuse with other bodily desires…

The day ends and you nod your head a few times while you drive into the sunset heading home. You skip your dirty pint to the surprise of your crew and make you way into the house. She looks at you with an astonished smile as you reach past her to turn off the oven and kiss her. You take her hand and walk towards the stairs and she smiles while shaking her head…

A quick wash and she hands you a glass of her favourite wine, vino indigesto, and you close the door…. After the event you laugh out loud at each other’s comments and you drift off into the best kind of dreamless sleep.

 Morning comes softly and brings forth a relaxed routine which is soon shattered by the assault of the grandsons…the little one distracts us by heading straight for the cats while the older one drives on to the fridge…

You watch as she makes your breakfast with one grandson balanced on her hip as the other one eats cornflakes from a mixing bowl. You notice his voice is now getting lower as his size and appetite also become more man-like….He asks you questions about aspects of the rugby season and you realize that he is now more man than boy, and while looking at his identical but fourteen years younger brother that Love is timeless and unconditional at it’s best.


The daughter returns from her trip to town and collects the wildly protesting grandsons and once again, the house is quiet…and you Love it.

 You and her go out for a bit of lunch at something called a gastro pub which apparently is a way for a poorly run or badly located pub to stay in business. She says her mates Love the place and she has been dying to come here. She orders the pasta pesto chef’s special.

It arrives and looks like something from the little one’s playgroup on types of food. It contains one small onion, three small pasta swirls, a spoon of green pesto and a sliver of beetroot. £8.99…..Chef’s special……..She Loved it….. I had a bowl of Texas hot chilli, that miserably failed the nosebleed test which is the internationally accepted testing spectrum for chilli. …..I didn’t feel much affection for it but it was better than eating a pork pie while reading schematics in a works van….Which I don’t Love.


 Love that burger, song, telly show, film….Love that dog, cat, bird….Love Granny, Gramp, football, rugby….Altruistic, Romantic, Physical, Platonic. Did I mention I Love poker, whisky, a Sunday morning, a hot bath, Spanish lager, the Sunday Times, and pizza?

Documentaries are supposed to be factual. Almost journalism I contend. At least that's what I think. This evening I watched a Ray Mears wildlife thingy. Brushing his way noisily through the undergrowth he gave a short lecture on how the Water Vole (Ratty from the Wind in the Willows) is now in serious decline and really rather rare. He set up his gear on the riverbank and expressed a hope that he might be in luck. Whoop de doo, in no time at all he was getting the most wonderful pictures of Ratty.

The reality is that the pictures were taken by painstaking researchers and camera persons who scoured the area for days to find that nest and lay in wait in a damp hide for hours and hours to capture that few minutes of film. Yet wanting to convince us that these creatures are rare, in decline and hard to find the presenter pretends to wander up to a likely site and manage to capture a few minutes perfectly focussed film showing the little chap with no effort at all.

Mr Mears isn't alone in this. They all do it. Why do they follow this daft convention? Rare creatures are hard to find. That's surely the point! He was not incredibly lucky.

Why do they do this nonsense?

Orf away for a few weeks and need a compare to keep the Friday Laugh going all for the greater good of mankind. any takers? In the meantime: A husband and wife were shopping in their local WalMart. The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart. "What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife. "They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans," he replied. "Put them back, we can't afford them," demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping. A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in their basket. "What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband. "It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," replied the wife. Her husband retorts: "so does 24 cans of Budweiser and its half the price." > On the PA system: "Cleanup needed on aisle 25, we have a husband down."

It has been a strange year. The so called 'Arab Spring', Bin Laden and now Gaddafi. The Palestinians seem finally to be getting some joy too. Yet I do not feel at peace. Capitalism is at last being questioned in terms of a social construct. I guess that too is a start. We are told here in England that we are all in this together; told by our millionaire Prime Minister and his millionaire cabinet who in turn are booed regularly by fully grown adults who are possibly millionaires too. All in this together. As a psychiatric nurse I am quite certain that some people are more 'in it' than others. As a believer in the ideals of Buddhism I am certain that I will continue to forgive - yet at times forgiving is as difficult a construct for me to ponder as capitalism itself. But I do not feel at peace.

Each of us, no matter what our background, our upbringing, our demeanour or our motivation, require occasionally the sudden outbreak of good news. Now I cannot and will not ever celebrate the death of another human being regardless of the life they have led. To celebrate death is to demean life. And life is truly wonderful. Life is beautiful. Life is above joy.

But Westlife?

Rubbish.

If Boyzone, Take That and the rejuvinated Steps were to follow, this may well one day be called the 'British Autumn' - a decline of terror to rival the 'Arab Spring'.

Now please don't think that I am equating the brainwashing of an entire region, the manipulation of the media and the ruination of young children whose views are tarnished well into adulthood with what has been happening in North Africa and the Middle East.

The demise of Westlife is a start.

Tom Waits has a new album coming out next week.

I am going to see Bob Dylan in Hammersmith on November 21st.

Peace my friends will come...

I sit. I wonder. The facts of life; my say in it. I strech my arm. I clutch my hand. To grab what's mine, what belongs to me. I open my fist. I find nothing but air. I take a deep breath. I smile. I can breathe. I own a life. I am alive!

During Karate last week, my instructor told us to 'keep our eyes up' so that we looked more determined during our exam. He gave an illustration to help us remember:
"There are two people who get shot; one died and the other who survived. The one who died looked down straight away to see the wound, and collapsed. The other one didn't even notice, just kept looking at the attacker and kept going (enter karate chop and loud shout here). Only when they had finished did they look down and realise they'd been shot."

At the time i didn't think much of the story as he's always telling slightly random stories. However, that saying has kept me going this week.

For starters I've been trying to catch up on work because I missed a few days last week. I've had a horrible stomach ache that makes me feel really queasy at times, but I can't miss any more work because i'm already behind. On top of that I've been inundated with friends with boyfriends and guys chasing them who aren't their boyfriends so I've had that voice in my head asking "What about me? Is there something wrong with me that means guys aren't interested?" Which I try not to listen to but it still gets to me sometimes. All I've got instead is people laughing at me on the way home because I have to wear my bag as a backpack while i'm cycling (needless to say, it's not designed to be a backpack). And finally, the icing on the cake: I have a knee problem (don't know what as i've never had it checked out) that means if I walk up too many stairs or have to cycle particularly hard, pain shoots through my knees. They've been particularly tender this week as I've been rushing around all the time and cycling against the wind on most days.

I've been telling myself, "Keep your eyes up" and ignoring all the bad points. The smile I determinedly fixed on my face may have slipped int a grimace once or twice, but i am triumphant. The week is nearly over, I've almost caught up, and during all this, I managed to cheer up a friend who was feeling down as well.
I'm just glad I'll be able to crash at the weekend...

I only truly feel at home when I’m in my study.
The window to the right of the desk looks out onto tree tops, with the occasional TV aerial in between and only a soothing growl from the cars on the road outside. The light shines onto the pale blue walls and the cream carpet giving the room a light and airy feel. When the sun sets behind the houses, the entire room glows. I can just look out onto a bright orange sky and feel like I own the world.

In this room I can forget about the essay that's due in tomorrow, or the forms that are only half completed. It's a room to relax and be studious in. It's a personal space where I can just be me; where I don't have to worry that the person reading my story over my shoulder is disapproving. I can write what I want, share when I'm ready and have easy contact with friends and family.

Our internet broke a few weeks ago so it made the home computer redundant. That week was extremely stressful as I had lost my retreat; I lost my place of peace. I never really noticed how much a quiet time meant to me until it was gone.

I now vow that I will let myself just be me for a little bit everyday. It prepares me for the rush of the evening and the next day until my next rest. I'm not a natural get-up-and-go person, but I've begun to realise that you need to have some oomph to get anywhere, even if it's just to get through the day.

I also tend to find if I laze about, I miss things. When I see events I've missed because I wasn't able to go- even if it wasn't due to laziness- I always feel sad. I want to get out and see the world before I get too stuck in a rut and never want to move. I don't want to get dull, and I know I will if I stay still for too long.

I'm forcing myself to be more proactive but this means my crash times are all the more significant. I would spend forever writing if I could, but unfortunately I'm not rich enough to have a maid to bring me food :P

I've decided two things for certain over the past year. One: I'm going to India. Whether next year, the year after or when I'm 100, I'm going. Two: I going to enjoy this little bit of peace, in the madness of life. While I still can.

It’s been an odd week overall.

But I think/hope things are calming down now.

Things were a bit rough for a couple of weeks then it all came to a head at the beginning of last week. Things were said and done that were unkind and I must admit I was not expecting it. I was hurt (emotionally) quiet badly, but like I said I think life is returning to normal now. At least things do not feel so raw anymore. Plus the week seemed to end on a high, so fingers crossed.  

The weekend has been somewhat productive; I have finally finished my second draft of Grey Wings. It’s still 20,000 words short of what it should be. But after reading through it I’m not surprised, as it feels a little bit thin on the ground in places. I am happy with the first two thirds but the final third feels very rushed so I’m going to flesh it out a bit.

I was always a bit worried that my word count would fall under what it should be. Then to fill it up I would end up ruining the novel by filling it with waffle. But so far that’s not happening so I am relieved.

Other than that things are coming along nicely. I’m reading again which is great. I hate it when I go through phases of struggling to read more than a page or so. I’m still plodding along with my culling of my online writing accounts and I actually found time to do a drawing last weekend so I’m quite pleased with that. I’m also hoping to be able to go out with my camera again shortly and get some good Autumn shots.

Oh and my brother got married last weekend. The wedding was lovely, the after party was fun and the bride and groom are now off on their honeymoon so that’s all good. Plus that the wedding was my last major expense before Xmas so I’m hoping to really start saving some money for my masters, getting Grey Wings looked over and of course Xmas.

Finally I’m sure there has been a post like this previously but for the life of me I cannot remember who wrote it or what it was called. So I am going to ask my question, I’m well and truly fed up with my live journal account (nothing wrong with live journal, just that I feel it’s growing stale, a lot of my friends have stopped posting and all the new groups I join seem to die off pretty quickly or get filled with trolls).So does anyone have any recommendations as to what blog site is good? I’m looking for something professional in appearance as I want something I wouldn’t mind potential publishers seeing lol (note my optimism).