The Word Cloud

Seen at a technology fair is the latest reader to rival the ubiquitous Kindle: the i-scroll. 

 

One of the first of a new generation of readers, the i-scroll takes customer preference for a tactile reading environment seriously. The parchment-textured surface even smells of old libraries. Storage is virtually unlimited, because the i-scroll incorporates a unique roll-up mechanism.

As with all new technology, there are potential problems. The analogue interface should allow personalized textual comments and the posting of critiques. However, the design of the stylus is suspect, and ridiculously over-engineered. Referred to as the ‘quill’, it is .ink-compatible.

Rumour has it that the transfer rate is slow and data-loss common.

It should be worth waiting a year for the expected i-scroll 2, as pundits expect it will utilize PEN technology.

It's almost a year since I first got on the Internet. The first thing I did was set up a Yahoo e-mail account; didn't have anyone to send e-mails to, or get e-mails from, but lots of people were kind enough to offer me penis enlargements etc. I surfed for stuff, like armoured personnel carriers and suchlike. Of course, I also checked out Internet porn, which I found a bit disappointing. I googled "fat lesbian mudwrestling", clicked on a likely-looking result - "BBW lesbians get down and dirty" - but what came up was "cum-guzzling college girls". Eh? I soon found (after just several hours) that you never get what you click on, which seemed a bit pointless. I also discovered a new kind of wanker's cramp: wanker's RSI, or wanker's carpal tunnel syndrome. So this is the Internet? Big deal! It was only when I found the WordCloud that I really started to get the point of it all.

Yesterday morning, I switched on the computer, ready to crack on with my latest novel. I got a message from my ISP, O2, to say that I was using an unfair amount of data, and that if I didn't stop they would cut me off. What?! I'm on a monthly contract, 3 Gigglybits data allowance, which I've never exceeded, not least because they charge a exorbitant amount for every MB you go over your monthly allowance. I spent a couple of hours going round in circles on their stupid website, and finally found a way to message their Customer Fuckyou Service. They'll reply in 24 hrs, apparently. I kerspect they'll cut me off, but keep taking money off me via the DD until the contract runs out in 8 months time.

After all that, I didn't feel much like writing, so I decided to buy a book I've been meaning to get, which you can only get online, straight from the publisher (while I've still got a Internet connection). I found that my credit card didn't work. Turned out, after much phone calls, it had been 'deactivated' cos I hadn't used it for over 12 months. After much more phone calls, I got it reactivated, but when I tried again to buy the book, it didn't work cos the account address didn't match the billing/delivery address. My own fault, I'd forgot to change the address after I moved. So I got onto Santander's website, and discovered I couldn't change the address online, or over the phone: I had to print out a form, and I can't even post it. I've got to take it to a branch (nearest is Barnet, half hour bus ride away) and the only ID they'll accept is a UK driving licence (if you don't drive, you're fucked) and of course I hadn't changed the address on that either. So it's off with me to the DVLA website, to find that you can change your address online, but if you want it changed on the actual licence itself, you have to post the damn thing off, which I did (on the way to the pub for some Liquid Therapy). I now have to wait till the DVLA send it back, get on a bus to Barnet and queue up at Santander's, then maybe I can finally buy the damn book.

Meantime, I didn't get any writing done, when I thought I'd be writing all day, and now I'm too hung over to concentrate properly. And I thought a computer would help me write! I'd be better off with a goose quill, parchment and ink made from burnt acorns.

I have been absent from the Cloud for a brief while.  One of the things this blog aims to do is explain why.  More importantly, it aims to provide insight into a murky world most would rather not contemplate because it’s a dead boring murky world, and, when does anyone ever really get a definitive answer in this subject area anyway? 

In a staggering break from tradition, the answer is here.

The short version:

Got a computer virus.

The story-teller’s and writer’s version:

I have encountered particularly nasty computer viruses, rootkits, trojans, worms and malware before, but this one pooped on the lot.

I’d left my computer on overnight.  In the morning there was a Microsoft security update to greet me.  I clicked to close it, but it started running in a manner that transferred me from bleary-eyed and dopy, to awake, alert, and panicked.  Although Antimalware Doctor bore the look and supporting indicators of a Microsoft update, it had revealed itself to be a malicious program, or malware, which couldn’t be stopped.

Pressing CTRL, ALT and DELETE brought up the Task Manager.  Selecting Application/End Task temporarily halted the malware, but it was able to self-execute at will, and from a variety of different actions.  I changed tack to the Control Panel and selected Add or Remove Programs.  But this standard Microsoft functionality had been compromised so that any attempt to Remove the malware resulted in it executing.  Worst of all, fully up-to-date and operational Norton 360 anti-virus software had also been compromised to the point of being completely disabled.  Attempts to get it functional again failed, or were blocked.  Look, I know Norton is pants, but it came free with the computer, so I’d thought I’d give it another chance to see if it had got any better since the last time it screwed up.  Nope.

I was in trouble and out of my depth, so I dived online to learn what I could about Antimalware Doctor, and learn it fast.  A sedate morning easing out of sleepiness by responding to Clouder posts was an intention shot to smithereens.

An online removal procedure provided a short list of associated files and registry HKEYS, so I removed those files manually.  The antimalwaredoctor.exe file wasn’t present in the location specified, nor did it show up in a file search.  However, another file called newsecureapp70700.exe (which wasn’t mentioned) was present in a specified directory.  I searched for information about this file online, and recognised that a specialist removal tool was required.

I restarted my computer, got Norton 360 functioning again, and ran several anti-virus full system scans.  The scans returned no threats, even though I had identified a known threat and had confirmed its location.  I contacted Norton directly.  A representative accessed my machine remotely.  If you’ve never witnessed this before, it’s moderately spectacular.  Someone else, a long way away, controls your mouse pointer, opens things, types stuff, closes things and generally buggers about on your computer while you watch the screen.

After a couple of hours, the representative had removed the .exe file with a tool called Norton Power Eraser.  I pointed out that there were still regular attack/intrusion threat notifications every few minutes (which they also witnessed), but the case was declared resolved and the job closed.

In the past I have tried a wide variety of highly-recommended anti-virus software.  The market leaders Norton (Symantec) and McAfee are [insert an expletive of your choice], do not deserve to be market leaders, and I’ve told them so.  I’ve tried AVG, CA, Kaspersky, F-Secure, Panda, Ad-Aware... all of them ranging from poor to terrible.  BitDefender has been very good in the past, and my former preferred choice.  This time around, I ran scans with Malwarebytes’ Anti-Malware and Trend Micro Homecare.  These two are the flavour of the moment in techie circles, but both failed to detect any threats on my machine when I knew something unholy was there.

Many people know someone who is referred to as a computer genius, whether or not that is an exaggeration.  Henk is a former colleague of mine and a long-standing friend.  He is very senior, very important, and fulfils the role of protecting Microsoft from viruses, computer threats and all that malarkey.  Imagine Dolph Lundgren, if you’re familiar with the mountain of a man.  Now imagine him even bigger, friendly, helpful, generous, and a thoroughly decent bloke.  That’s Henk.  Everyone should have a Henk in their lives. 

Microsoft, as an organisation, has done more to infuriate me than could be put into several volumes of a dull and overly-ranty book.  One branch of Microsoft, however, has impressed me to the point of blog-writing.  In terms of computer stuff, the level to which I have been impressed is second only to when Tim Berners-Lee gave the internet to the world for free.

I contacted Henk and explained what had happened.  Within minutes, he was back to me with a link to something called the Windows Live OneCare safety scanner.  This returned a threat called Win32/Alureon.H, which Norton and others had completely missed.  Henk recognised this instantly and provided another link to the solution.  Malicious Software Removal Tool KB890830 (I wonder what its friends call it?) detected and eradicated the most devious and subversive virus I have ever heard of.

The Aleurean Virus/Rootkit is described as “severe” and, “a multi-component family of Trojans involved in a broad range of subversive activities online in order to generate revenue from various sources for its controllers... which also utilises advanced stealth techniques in order to hinder the detection and removal of its various components.”

Antimalware Doctor was just a little side show put on to keep me preoccupied while Alureon set about some serious nasty business like emptying my bank accounts, rendering my computer useless and impregnating my fiancée.  Left in the incapable hands of Norton (and others) Alureon would have:

Modified search results (search hijacking);

Redirected browsing to sites of the attacker's choice (browser hijacking);

Changed Domain Name System (DNS) settings in order to redirect to sites of the attacker's choice without the affected user's knowledge;

Downloaded and executed arbitrary files, including additional components and other malware;

Installed rogue security software.

In the words of Henk himself, “It’s a nasty one, that.”

More than the downloadable tools, Microsoft offers its own little-known anti-virus and computer protection package.  I hadn’t previously heard of it; it’s called Microsoft Security Essentials.  It is clear to me that this is the most advanced anti-virus software available at the moment, and offers the highest level of security.  It’s the kind of offering you’d expect to dig deep into your pockets for, but it’s all completely free.  I have completely uninstalled Norton 360, replaced it with Essentials, and put this new bit of kit through its paces.  It’s the badger’s nadgers.  And a doddle.

It has taken me a long while to get to this point.  [I see you nodding].  I’ve been through the trauma of being a gnat’s chuff away from losing all my work, intrusion attacks, and my computers’ security being breached.  I’ve trudged the internet, read independent reviews, and tried all sorts of options.  I’ve learned a great deal, and learned it the hard way.  So what I am doing in this blog is passing on my experiences so that you good people don’t have to go through anything similar.  And, of course, my self-indulgence of getting the whole flippin’ experience off my chest.

Take it, or leave it, it’s your own call.  Contrary to my deep-rooted instinct, I am now a strong advocate of these free Microsoft tools and the anti-virus software.  I will highly recommend these to other individuals and businesses.

 

Now then, is there any use for a Word Cloud group that centralises all things computer and Cloud technical?

I've had this bulky old Dell laptop for about 8 or 9 years.  It has not been so healthy in the last couple, and I've been doing all sorts of things to keep it alive.  The battery lasts about 40 seconds if you don't have it plugged in permanently.

During the last year, overheating has been the ongoing issue.  Right in the middle of a particularly lengthy Word Cloud post, or having got completely carried away and written umpteen new pages of one of our books without stopping to think about saving, the little b'stard would just turn itself off without warning.  All work lost.  Expletives too shocking to repeat here.

The laptop is an essential part of our lives.  We both write: that's enough to classify it as such.  But we also use it as our only Hi-fi, DVD-player, TV screen and slave it to countless other tasks over and above what one might obviously do with such a machine.

I've stripped out the laptop and removed a device called the heat synch many times.  Quite often, this bit accumulates dust, and just needs a good blow out to continue working efficiently.  It also helps to remove dead moths that have inexplicably found their way in through holes not even big enough for fire ants.

It was time for more drastic action.  Not quite ready to give up on the beast and buy a new one, I reasoned that it didn't have to look pretty anymore, and opted to cut vents in the casing.  My first choice of tool - from a very limited range - was a Stanley knife.  Progress wasn't great; when I shattered the blade a fourth time, it was time for a meatier weapon.

The meat cleaver went through the casing like a meat cleaver through a laptop casing.  I haven't had so much Darwin-Award-Contender fun since me and Si Baker turned a can of furniture polish into a flamethrower, with the bonus practical upshot of turning his kitchen floor into the best skid patch in history.

The extra-vented laptop is now up on four equally fat books to allow better airflow underneath.  One is Wilbur Smith's The Seventh Scroll - points up for grabs to anyone who can guess the other three.

So far, so good.  But if you hear a yelp, screams, pottymouthspeak and the sound of hair being torn from scalps, you know that my cunning plan has not been so cunning after all.

We come into the office this morning. When we turn on our surge-protected desktop, it makes a thin, temporary whine and shows a thin orange light instead of a nice blue turning-on one. Tommy has the side off the machine and is poking around in the motherboard - socks off, to protect against static electricity. (Don't ask - I don't understand.)

We've got two office laptops as well. One has the hinge broken, so the screen needs to be propped up against the wall. My laptop is fine, except that it can't pick up the wireless signal after a period of rest, except by being turned off and on again.

And all these damn machines are fairly new, reasonably high spec devices. Is it really too much to ask them, duh, to work. My car outside has 145,000 miles on the clock. It starts every time, and the engine is still sweet as a nut and sound as a pound.

I suspect that we'll be buying a new desktop imminently and a new laptop for Tommy at the same time. I don't really mind that - it's only money - but then there's the time required to load up software, to find that stuff that worked fine on one machine hates the new version of Windows, to discover that the things you knew how to do before are no longer valid, &c &c.

And I know. We should probably be Apple not PC, or Linux not Windows. Or something. But these are huge corporations we're buying stuff off, and all I ask is that their damn things work.

My computer is my best friend, think about it, all our friends live in it.  So when it is attacked you want to protect it. You mourn the loss of daily interaction with the keyboard where your fingers play sensitively upon those keys. Your life or day is not the same.

This happened to me!  At 9.17  pm precisely on Wednesday I clicked on this pop-up. I was not thinking.  The pop-up told me that trojans and worms had attacked my friend and to click ' here'  to remove them.  This I did, wrong!

The 'security tool' disguised under a firefox persona was the virus .. damn .. it flew through programmes  like a dose of salts rendering them impossible to open.  Initially I was exposed to 40 trojans and numerous worms. By going into
add/remove I managed to reduce the quantities , then somehow the virus knew what I was doing and attacked.  I could do nothing, wherever I went there they were.  I could have cried.

Pulling out the internet access, I closed down and went to bed. Could I sleep? Could I heck, all I could see when I closed my eyes were worms slithering and trojans marching through my programmes and files.

This morning I took my friend to a man who knows about these things and explained my plight.  He has now joined the ranks of best friend after spending six hours of his time taking care and restoring my computer back to health.

So there you have it - Don't you just hate it when that happens?

(Yes, I'm stealing - and altering - from Alice in Wonderland - the blog title, in case you were wondering...)

I spent my first day of the extended weekend over in Eastbourne at a musician's haven known as Bonners. My purpose was to investigate the digital pianos.

I can see the advantages of them - no need for yearly (or more) tuning, no sticking keys, much lighter, the ability to wear headphones so no one else can hear, not to mention the much lower price.

Also, as I played my way through a Casio, Roland, and a beautiful Yamaha, I discovered they have truly improved so much from their origins that, with the Yamaha, at least, it felt like I was playing my lovely acoustic at home. The Yamaha's keys were weighted beautifully and responded how I expected; the tone was rounded (and in tune!).

I enjoyed my foray into the world of digital pianos, and, from a purely practical sense, I can certainly see the benefits.

However, something in me still feels the difference of my beloved acoustic upright. The music seems to come from all around you courtesy of the hammers and strings in a way that speakers simply can't match. Maybe I'm stuck in the dark ages from this point of view, but it's a feeling that's hard to shake.

Which brings me to my writing.

Despite the obvious advancements in PCs, and the greener (and probably more efficient) approach of writing direct to PC, I still find myself heading for my trustworthy notepad (more specifically, a Pukka pad - as I love their Jottas) whenever I am writing a story. I can see my creative process much more with a notepad than with the rather more sterile environment of a PC, which whips away your incorrect sentence, replacing it with the new one, and leaving no sign the original ever existed, despite its obvious faults.

These are purely my personal feelings on this matter, and I'm sure a lot of people find it easier to write straight to PC, as much as pianists find it cheaper and less costly in maintenance to own a digital piano.

Still, I'm going to wander down the path of less advancement and more history, and keep to my acoustic... or, in the case of writing, my notepad :-)

And there endeth my musings for the day!

I hate batteries, especially the ones that go in laptop computers. Perhaps that is why I'm writing this on a desktop computer networked (with wires) to another one, and a whole household of wireless products that I avoid.

Batteries don't necessarily hate me, however, just my partner. Until she recently purchased an extravagant new Vaio, we had identical dueling laptops - or maybe that's duelling ... I grew up in America and have lived in the UK for 20 years, so now my spelling is totally screwed up. Now, I'm writing this blog in Safari, and I think the spellchecker is set to US English, and I haven't figured out how to change it yet. (Maybe, I'll go back to Firefox, which is definitely in UK English.)

Anyway ... there were a couple of times when I loaned my battery to my partner to work on a train or plane. When I used it, it lasted for nearly two hours, but when she returned it, 20 minutes was about as much as it would go. This seems to happen to everything she uses that requires a battery: laptops, cameras, phones. I don't know how she does it. She even bought another (identical) laptop for the use of one of her student assistants. Her battery went bad, and then we loaned her my new one. Kaput! So I bought another one, that was DOA (in both our machines). I returned it and the sent another. That one worked, but wouldn't recharge. Now they claim it isn't compatible, and they can't find one that is.

Now, I've ordered one from another supplier, and I expect it to arrive later this week. Fingers crossed. In the meantime, I'm on my reliable desktop (connected to a UPS which seems to self-destruct every 4-5 years), but I also have a second laptop that I don't allow my partner to touch. It's temperamental, but when the battery works - and it sometimes doesn't work at all, even on a full charge - it gets well over 3 hours on a charge.

I recently picked up a (new) Garmin Forerunner ... for my running, oddly ... and an Ipod (s/h from Ebay). Two more rechargeable batteries. Oh no!

On a positive note, the batteries (nonrechargeable) in my Korg tuner are still working - those are the (4 AA) originals, folks, purchased in 1983. I suspect they won't last much longer, but maybe I'll get even more than 27 years from a new pair of Duracels

... maybe that's Doorrasells, or Durables as the spellchecker would have me believe.

I've gone and done it! After twenty years on a PC, I am defecting to the Other Side. For a week, I've been part of the Apple lot, too.

I can already see that my technical defection is going to be one of those journeys (bleurgh!) that resemble my real defection to Germany.

There is the euphoria, the high when you make the decision and do it, followed by a period of intense frustration where nothing, but nothing goes right. Then you come to your senses and there follows a long period of learning and mastery before you finally come out at The Other Side, which becomes the new norm.

I am up to my eyebrows in frustration as I type this - on my trusty old PC, naturally, and expect I'll be playing the Double Agent for some time yet.

Just to add insult to injury, I spent fifteen minutes typing this blog and then firefox crashed. Arrrrrrrrrrgh!!!!!

I have been having problems for some time, and it has gradually become worse. Programmes not opening and/or not responding. Typed words appearing fifteen minutes after I typed them, and slow ... paint drying is faster. I had a hot line to my support service, who I think had visions of moving premises to avoid me. I tried every solution and cure they suggested, nothing worked, in fact it just got worse.

Eventually, some bright spark suggested I run a full recovery, which took the computer back to manufacturer's state as if it  had just come out of the box. After running the recovery, windows informed me there were 87 updates. Every time I thought I had reached the end, it found another 20. Five hours later (yes, you read that correctly) five long hours later, the updates finished. I then downloaded my security and started the long process of downloading all my software and programmes and creating short cuts etc. I realised that I had lost my 'word' word processor and had originally installed it from a borrowed disc. I couldn't keep borrowing my brother's work colleague's disc, so had to buy one. Of course, you can't buy just the word processor. You have to buy the whole damn office suite. Story of my life. After a couple of days, eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeek, the problems were back.

I drove my support service mad. I'm sure they knew it was me and all avoided answering the phone. Eventually, some bright spark identified the problem. My security was using the whole cpu, leaving me nothing to use for other functions. Today I rang the security company (AVG if any one is interested). I spent five and a half hours watching the screen as they used remote fix and tried to solve the problem. After the five and a half  hours, they conceded defeat and have passed it to second level support. Now I have to wait and see  if they can come up with a fix. Currently, I have the task manager open, and I am having to keep an eye on the CPU and ending processes that are using it all up. Tonight the cloud has thrown me out twice. I don't know whether to blame the cloud or the computer. As you can imagine, this hasn't done a great deal for my ME.

So now we come to the purpose of this blog. I ask you all to please include me in your prayers and for those that believe in miracles, wish for one for me.