I am one of those (annoying) people who absorb obscure facts and rejurgitate them years later having not given them a moment's head time in the interim. If I am at a loose end and want to watch a bit of telly then I am vastly more likely to put on a recording of a history documentary than I am to tune in to Britain’s Got Talent or Corrie or some-such. It was recently as I was watching just such a programme that I came across a particular fact that I just had never come across before at all. If I had I would have remembered I am sure. It is inconceivable that I am anywhere near the first person to remark on this, but it is new to me and I thought I would share with this little world, or those parts that didn’t already know, how utterly inappropriate it is that the man who founded Pan American World Airlines in the 1920s, an airline which flew literally millions of flights carrying tens of millions of passengers all over the world and managed it through the peak of its powers up to the 1970s, should be named Juan Trippe.
But he was.
I like Rufus, Dexter and Oscar, the husband has flatly refused to name the dog any of those names. We quite like Barney but now I'm worried he'll grow out that name when he's all grown up.
The kids like, Bernard (I don't) Super Mario and Bowser. The latter isn't too bad actually and Bernard would be ok if shortened to Bernie
Last night we thought the name 'Wilbur' but the kids don't like it.
So the only names we all (kind of) agree on are Bowser and Bernie. I don't mind those names but I don't love them either.
I am hoping, therefore that this blog might encourage some more suggestions from Clouders.
I do have quite an extensive list of silly names as provided by Facebookers but I shall wait and see what you guys come up with before sharing any of those names! It will be interesting to see how many, if any, are duplicated.
Childhood names like - 'bacon lip.' spring to mind. That's what my dad called me when I pouted. He said my lip looked like half a pound of bacon. Dad couldn't talk - his work mates used to call him 'Elfie' - similar to 'Alfie' but this took into consideration that he is somewhat 'vertically challenged'.
As I got older - say about eleven, it became 'Evil Edna' - supposedly because I had a laugh like her - the telly - on Willo-the-wisp. This was given to me by a boy we nicknamed 'Scratch' - he was so scruffy and unkempt that everytime you looked at him you wanted to - well scratch!!
Then there was 'Monkey' - one could argue this is also a pet name but when you actually look like an ape (poor boy) - its not.
My old Maths teacher, long dead now. Her name was Daisy but in the locker room we called her 'Wooden tits' - she lived in a brown turtle neck jumper even when she jumped up and down her bosom didn't move. That's when we weren't being chased off by old 'poker nose' the nosey caretaker. Bless him, we called his daughter 'head the ball' as she bounced up and down when she walked and honestly looked like she was about to 'do a header'.
Then there was old 'fruity Louis' - used to poke his fingers through the holes in the lab stool - boys and girls!
This brings me to adulthood - 'Funky' not because of his groovy moves but because of his surname - Gibbon.
Walking down the corridor of a Royal Mail Delivery Office (my previous employer) I heard a shhhh - 'The wicked witch of the West is coming.' But they couldn't possibly have been talking about me - could they?
I could go on forever on the subject but do you have any funny pet names or nicknames you'd like to share - give us all a laugh on this now rainy Monday ;-)
Here's the thing, I'm starting a new business venture which will be mainly selling portraits of children and pets. Most of the artwork will be bespoke- parent or horse/dog/ Jaguar owner will hopefully commission me to produce a portrait of their loved one etc either from existing photos or I'll take some pics. In addition I will be attempting to sell prints of existing artwork, turning them into various things like greeting cards, book marks, posters...
I need to get on with getting my website sorted but first I need a name for this business. For those of you who don't already know- my name is Liza (pronounced Leeza as in Goddard and not Lie-za as in Minelli).
I want something catchy that possible has my name in the title but also suggests that I produce quality portraits of both animals and people.
Names I've had so far have been:
Liza Doodles Littles - courtesy of Noel- although great it's a bit of a mouthful,
Reflections in water - by Minxie
Pitter Patter Prints- Barb
Other suggestions I've had have been,
Paw Prints -
Foot Prints -
Lasting Impressions- I loved this until I didcovered it's already been used
Drawn to you
Drawn to Life.
Anyone else got any ideas?
Names are important,
I’ve been working on Grey Wings (working Title),on and off now for longer than I care to mention. Some of the character’s names came to me instantly but some I’m still changing even now.
As it’s a biblical themed fantasy (Angels, Daemons, God, The Devil, Heaven and Hell with Earth and people stuck in the middle), I’m trying to use biblical names, although I am trying to keep it subtle-ish.
Does anyone know some good places to find biblical style names? Or even any open suggestions?
I just wanted to share this.
Some years ago I had to take an examination so that I could say I was qualified in a particular project management process. In the exam I had to specify the process, believe it or not, of getting a book published. A combination of my lack of respect for these pretentious box ticking processes and the subject matter being close to my heart led me to try to make my answer entertaining. Therefore I named the printer "Inky Hands" and the accountants "Takemore - Cash". Not entirely sober and serious, but neither am I. It seems to have worked as colours flew while I passed the exam and can now say I am a PM2 Practitioner. Whoopeedoooo.
Anyway, the way I make my living is by resolving technical and management questions for law firms when their IT clients sue each other and they don’t have a clue what they are suing each other about. It happens a lot.
I recently have come up against a firm of solicitors that I had never heard of before. Now when you are against a firm they always appear difficult, unpleasant and objectionable. That is as certain as Christmas. But this lot are called "Wright - Hassell". Really.
Well according to the Cloud, ALL THE USUAL SUSPECTS has been looked at 78 times. So I hope many of you have whiled away an enjoyable hour or so searching for your names hidden in the text – apologies to all whose names I didn’t manage to include, but there are certain letter combinations that simply do not occur in (normal) English! Apologies, too, on behalf of Cloud idiosyncrasies, to any who were unable to access the story. For all those who did, and went on to submit their findings, hearty congratulations!
We have two obvious front-runners in the high 30’s with their closest rival still in the 20s. I thought I’d covered all possibilities in my ‘rules’, but one I didn’t anticipate was someone submitting a further response after their initial entry. So with the second, what turned out to be, equal entry arriving between the first two, who’s first? You could argue the case for either, but I’m not going to.
I’m declaring the JOINT winners of TONY’S TERRIFIC CHALLENGE to be
posted here very soon, when I have the answer sheet ready!
So, maybe I had calmed down by
this time...? There seems to be less anger, agression and general
naughty word...ness. I do seem to have slipped into "90's young
duuuude" mode and not in any enjoyable way. I've cleaned this up a
bit - spelling mistakes plus "gonna" and "coz" have been, for the
most part, culled. Thankfully. My aplogies if this is going off the
"boil", I was well chilled by now...
Ok, today's entry is about the language I use. As I have mentioned in previous posts, I like the following ideas; TLA's spelt out (Yuessohay) and I've extended this - more later. George Bernard Shaw's fabulous fish; GHOTI. So now I have two languages and I use them in two different ways. Don't panic, if you get confused I'll, um, carry on regardless… Let's face it, I really haven't got a bloody clue myself so you don't stand a hope.
So let's start with the language of emohem. Mind Over Matter, remember? Oh ffs, you are useless - look back. You don't have far; this is still a new blog ok? Lazy buggers.
Right so that's all well and good but how to divide up the words, as every word is now it's phonetic first letter, you would for example end with one word like this; Tecuebeefjayohteelde. (The Quick Brown Fox Jumped Over The Lazy Dog) Which is a gobfull and no mistake; soooooo. We need a rule to help and what better rule than the rule of three? Every third letter is a new word. Tecuebe efjayoh teelde. Spanking! Now, the important thing to remember is that this is a magical language. So, where all other languages are interpretable, this one isn't. It just isn't. How do you know that the above three words don't mean Tiny Queen Beatrice Finally Judged Olaf The Latvian Demon? You don't. And that means that it's a good language for the mysteries of emohem. Of course, the emohem expert needs to know, so with every use of the language the speaker/writer/whatever leaves a tiny blob of explanatory emohem - like a wax seal. Goddamn this is good.
Now what if our emohem is an expert? Let’s call him and emohemee. Ooooo, these are longer than three but not so long as to make sense; An emohem ee. That just looks shite. So, lets use the fantasy writers most over used tool; the apostrophe. Now, we are taking the piss a bit really, 'coz let's face it, how many times do you see those wonderful names and foreign words (and we know their foreign 'coz they've got an apostrophe in 'em, geddit?) split to help us with our diction? All the time, no?
Here we go; emohem'ee. Hmmmm, nearly but not quite; How about em'ohemee? Oh yes.
Ok, a quick squiz down the alphabet and set the words up;
H= urk! Um, come back to that one…,
I=Ay… awww tits, come back to that one too…,
W= eh? Ah…uh…fuck it, back to that one too…,
Z=Zee or Zed
Although, I reckon you can prolly spot what is fundamentally wrong with the old language. Yep, there is an awful lot of EEEEE's, so many my heads spinning…
Ok, new rule needed; Where we have two vowels together, like say "Up Is Down" (a direction altering chant to be used when faced with towers that need to be climbed or something…) How the fuck should I know? I'm just pigging winging this as I go. Shut up. So Up Is Down would be Yuaydee - which is a bit of a mouthful when spoken for the first time BUT if we say that every time a double vowel hits the beginning of a word we swap the second vowel to the actual vowel… hold on, I’m getting lost here… oh, yeah so the second is left as a real one;
YuiDee - Yoo-eye-dee (much easier to pronounce).
If, on the other hand, the vowels are together at the end of the word, then we make the first vowel the real one; Level Eighty One is Eleeoh so it becomes Eleoh. Get it? No? Tough, it's happening. And it's in there by the bucket load!
Ok, one more slight hitch; triple written vowels; Level Eighty Four looks like this Eleeef, which just looks stupid, so lets get rid; new rule; written triple letter vowels; the double is shortened to a single; Eleef looks better.
One more rule just because I thought I was fucking brilliant; at the end of a word E is replaced with I but still pronounced EE;
Y=Wi and Z=Zi
This way when discussing the novel you'll be in a secret society
that knows how to pronounce the words properly won't you? My
advice; don't correct their mispronunciation, just look smug
knowing they are soooo pathetic and have not cracked open this
blog. Winner. Or you could be the novel guru that does correct
them and help them by pointing them toward this blog. If you
So, still have a bunch of issues; H, A & I, and W
Here's how I got round them; H = Aitch, or Aich or Aytch but
mostly avoiding using those words if you can…! A=Ay or Eigh (as
in Eight) and I=Aye. Ha!
So we'll wang up some basic emohem practitioners;
Em’ohembe – MOMB – Mind over matter beginner,
Ayem’ohembe – AMOMB – A mind over matter beginner,
Tiem’ohembe – TMOMB – The mind over matter beginner;
Em’ohemyu – MOMU – Mind over matter user;
Em’ohemee – MOME – Mind over matter expert;
Em’ohemti – MOMT – Mind over matter teacher;
Em’ohempi – MOMP – Mind over matter pupil;
Ha! You get the idea. So that pretty much wraps up the magical language. Lot's of chanting and shit; some written toss yada yada yada.
Now, the names of the characters I've already explained, and as I come up with some more; I'll drop 'em on here. Honest.
So I came across another piece of advice in one of those bloody books from EzBird;
Oh for fucks sake, what now?
It is important for the reader to have a sense of place.
When reading a new novel, no matter what, it is good to have a sense of familiarity.
But, now, there's the place names that need thinking about. Like, whilst I'm not interested in telling the tale from the beginning; On the planet blah in the land of bleh, I might just as well write it was a dark and stormy night… Oooo, that's pretty good actually, no, no, you can't… can you…? No. Stobbit. Stupid.
Back to place. So, according to the long and… dreary … article,
dear readers, apparently you lot get lost finding your arse.
Maybe I'm only selling me book to bright readers? Ok, maybe not.
I figure that make it a really niche, niche, market. You know I'm
only kidding right? Right? Hey! Where are you going? I was only
joking, oh come on! Maybe I'll tell you about the article on not
thinking you are smarter than your readers another time…!
So, back to place; the theory is that if you write your novel about, say New York, then knowing the place and making the odd reference helps the reader settle into the "place" especially if they have been to or live in New York themselves. In fact, there is a bit of a "Hey! I know where he's talking about! It's just over there! Behind that car. That's on fire."
But, in my novel there is no such "place" - not in reality; it's all in my head. So how do I get you there? How do I describe what I really feel awkward about? How do I tell you that the world is unknown, I have no idea how big the planet is? Oh god! Do I have to know how the solar system works too? The Universe? Are there stars? Moons? Shit, how would I know? Oh Christ this is going to be a complete fuck up isn't it? Pull yourself together. The audience is listening.
So let's see, a good start is to name the village. Now that is easy; I'll nick it from a couple of Ozzies I know (That's a whole different story). Hell, I nick so much from them already, how the hell would they know? So here goes; Leicestershire. Loughborough. Or as they like to call it looga barooga… You gotta love those antipodeans.
So Sariro comes from, ah, let's wheech it around a tad; Luga B'ruga (Gotta have an apostrophe, no?) There ya go.
Now, these guys run to "safety" so where are they running to? A
place in the mountains but they'll not get there without passing
thru another place. Big breath. Ok, this one is for EzBirds
brother (also RIP, damn this is depressingly regular); he was
taking Bird (his girlfriend of the time) on holiday. She wanted
to go somewhere exotic. He didn't. So he told her he was taking
her to Mablé Torpé. Or, as we in the UK know it; Mablethorpe…!
The guy was a genius!
So, as he was the quintessence of "Live" as in "Live your Life",
I dedicate that to him. I am Living my dream, he lived his.
Thankfully computers can't kill you. They can't… can they?
Computers? Kill you? Can they? Hell, why am I asking, you lot?
Sheesh. I must be going mad.
Ok, so that's language and stuff covered. Now what else was I going to tell you? Oh yeah, Beasties. Hmm - now this is the reverse of reverse psychology… or psychology as I like to call it… (chortle). Here's how it goes; pick up a book called "How to interpret your dreams" or some such and spin through it looking for natural or supernatural imagery and you'll get pretty the much same thing; unicorns = penis, horses = penis, dragons = hot penis; cats = soft fluffy…penis (?). What I'm trying to say here is that no matter what animal you chose, real or imaginary it's your penis. If you are a women, well that's different. It's someone else's penis, obviously…
So, take that and spin it on it's head a touch. And we have my pincipia Eydeene. Eydeene is this planet. Did I not mention that? Ooops. I D N E. It Does Not Exist, simple. Are you getting any of this?
The point is every mythical (in our world) beastie is not a personification of some male organ (on Eydeene); but rather a power trip of “mankind”. This means that every beastie I introduce will have started with a man. A plain old simple bi-ped. Dragons? Bi-ped. Centaurs? Bi-ped. And so on and so on. How about that?
The next update may jump around a bit…! As, originally, this journal was my procrastination from the novel and now I want to, er, procrastinate from this too - because I’ve forgotten where I was and all that. As you can see; this is sooo planned. Oooooo; planning! Yes, that's what I'll talk about, er… tomorrow?
What I found interesting is the way that the novel has actually evolved. Some of this blog is still pertinent but some, such as the"chants", are not; the dialogue is relatively free of this made up language, although there are some references still. And it is evolving still; the latest iteration may make some more of this language redundant. Truth is, though, it was still necessary to go through this thought process. (Maybe not the blog though...!) It is so strange looking back, even only a couple of years!
Hey ho. Reflective mood today. Maybe it's the sunshine. So it won't last long then...!
Here we go - the third
installment of drivelling nonsense. By this time I must have had
a coffee or something. It seems slightly less...
The warnings still stand though; there are scenes of an adult nature and biology. Ok, there aren't, but if it gets people reading it then I'll do anything. Well, not anything. Obviously not anything. Most things. Anyhoo... on with the (other) drivel...
Right, more characters…
Ok, so what we have here is a book about dreams. With absolutely no dream sequences in it… yet. Time to get jiggy with the dreamy shit.
So, the truth about the legends is the crux of this series. I'm looking to convey the vast difference between the glorious gung-ho stories of war and the gritty reality. I heard on the radio when I began this book about soldiers during the Second World War shooting over the heads of the enemy because they couldn't bring themselves to actually kill. Now if it's true and not hype, that is an amazing revelation. According to the story, it was very common too. The bit I don't get is how millions of front-line bods still lose grip with mortality when no-one is shooting at anyone…
Based, very weakly, on this premise I have my storyline; Bad guys are not so bad, the majority are press-ganged (or in fantasy terms; enthralled) into service, ergo reticent to play ball, but compelled to do so. Haven't worked out how or why just yet, but I'm getting there. Good guys are a bunch of dumb shits; because they get to come back to Paradise after they die, their lives tend to not be so… valuable. One or two heroes will just be some poor sod in the wrong place at the wrong time being given a damn good shagging by lady luck. And, because it's just not a fantasy novel without one, we will have a traitor… dun dun duuuuun. Cool.
So, our heroes; Halfir, Grinii we have met - maybe we'll give them a crew; lets see; A couple of fit young birds, some buff blokes and of course Mr Obligatory Traitor Esquire, I Thank You.
Right; for the biog and all that shit;
Ok, One guy's going to be called Mad Adam Two Swords. At some point he can wax lyrical about the state of his armour. ROFL. Ahhh, man that's good. Google - trust me. Soddit; Lee Tanith! Madam Two Swords… damn, is mine far enough detatched to be non-plagiaristic?
Ah, fuck it. Who cares? It's there as a giggle. And Lee's book is not the same either. And she's a she… Madam Two Swords that is. Oooo, I wonder if the wax lyrical bit's in there. Toss. Best' go see if the library's got a copy…
Ok, onwards; My all time favourite name in the world bar none; Henrietta Chicken. Google… WTF? A naked rubber dog toy… man there are some real sick people on this planet.
Who's next; Leonorah Spit.
(Chuckle) Ahhh, I so cannot call her Spitroast, that would just
be too unsubtle … can I? Hmmm… thinks…
Ok, another couple of Hero's;
Oooo, bad guy; Gol Myne… oh yes, it says greed, it says dwarf, it
says dirty, it says traitor! As for why; his brother… Sil Myne
(snigger)… lost his life because of Halfir's incompetence and Gol
has held a grudge ever since. Liiiiike it!
How about this… Gol and Sil did not die to get into Paradise…! So how'd they get in then? Aha!!!! There are two ways! You die OR you accompany someone who was born here!!!! Testing his theory, Irsi, (Remember him - he's our bad guy, or protagonist, yeah baby! Boy I am learning sooo much from these books!) takes Gol and Sil into Paradise because, get this; Irsi was born there. Yes! So now, Gol and Sil are poodling around in Paradise illegally, and when Sil pops his clogs due to some as yet unknown stupidity of Halfir's, everyone is expecting him to return. But he doesn't! Because, he doesn't belong there! Yeeeeha! Soooo, where is he? Well, I'll tell you. He's only on the baddies side isn't he?! His appearance has changed; because, let's face it even Irsi rewards his faithful, up to a point… So he's going to be one of the other crew;
Right, the "baddies"; Ahh, my old favourite from my AD&D days with Penfold and Scoob… christ I was young… Bungus Iteer. Geddit? Give me a chance, I was… *cough* twenty *cough* or so when I thought that gem up. He has a brother… ahem. Chukkus. (Chortle) Ahhh Those were the days.
Anyhooo - These are the gnarly veterans. Plus, lets see… two more "regulars"…ah. Ok. Deep breath. We have the quiet, unassuming burly minimal talker; Pall Martan. A play on EzBro1's real name. RIP. A tribute to my older brother. A true hero, honest, upright, honourable. And a right miserable git to boot. Bless him.
And let's see, ah my own true hero; Hairy Henry. Or as I like to say T'hairy Henry… in a slightly French accent. Thinking Football. No, not football, football. Oh all right; soccer then. It's still bloody football. The other is just armoured rugby…
Right, now; coz the bad guys are
press-ganged we need a bunch of press-gangedee's… Or something…
LOL - god my sides hurt! This naming stuff is a piece of
piss! For her birthday I bought EzBird a gardening book;
not that she likes gardening you understand but it's something
for her to do whilst she's locked outside while I work in here in
the warm… just kidding. She does have green fingers. They were
blue but now they've gone mouldy… ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha.
So she does like gardening…ok?
In her book there are two types
of mud one of which is ericatius - see where I'm going with this?
You got it! Eric Atiusoyl. Eric Atuis Soil. Goddamn this is
puuuuure genius! Ok, wandering into the kitchen we have…
eccinatia tablets. Oh yes. We now have another guy, Equin Atia.
Ok, this one's an odd one; Izzit. Young lad, I reckon. Bit of a klutz. We'll pad these guys out a bit in their biographies' later.
Ahh. Now, this next chap is important. He's a minor-ish character but suffice to say he is my morality tale. Arth Rytchuss. (Arthritis) Is a very old man and does not want to be here at all. I'll be killing him off somewhere near the middle of the story. He's going to die out of fear. You know that saying; "you have nothing to fear but fear itself"? Well, whoever said that wants to come live round here for a fucking day or two.
So there we are; nine baddies, oh
wait that's only eight. Tits. What the fuck was I thinking? Oh
yes! Sil… or, as we shall introduce him… Plazt Iq'nabaal.
(Plastic Nipple. Ok, by this time I was running on empty and
needed help. Don’t blame me, blame my nephew. ok?) Just check google; yep
surprisingly few Plazt Iq'nabaal's in the world. Oooooo, do you
reckon people will start naming their kids after these
characters…? Dear god I pity those kids, they are going to get
the royal shit kicked out of them when they start school… Not
just for their names but because their parents are so…
Interestingly when I Google Plazt
Iq'nabaal it says "No matches; did you mean
Oho? Thinks I. Let's check out this. Yes, I Say, I did
mean Platz Iq'nabaal. What a silly
typist I am. Ok says Google. No: Your search - Platz Iq'nabaal -
did not match any documents… LOL.
What you people have to realise is; this is the third post and I'm still catching you up; as in you have a loooong way to go yet. That is if there is anybody out there… is there anybody out there? How do I get this bloody thing working? You know what I need? I need someone who is aux fait with IT, that's what I need. Oh, wait… ohhhh, now I get what they meant by "get out you useless lazy fat fucker…" Sheesh, if they had only said what they meant. Man, I don't do subtle.
So, we now have our cast of characters; all bar the dragons and some magii. But we'll come to them later. Except one Magi; 'coz you're going to love this…! He's the one, right, that controls the weather… ok? following me so far? Cool. Well he has got to be called something like John Kettley or Ulrika Johnson, oh wait no, too girly. So I plump for; da da daaaaaa Michael Fish! And why? Here you go you pseudo intellectuals; check out GHOTI. GB Shaw wanted to simplify the Ingrish language; and pointed out (by ignoring some fundamental rules) that GHOTI could be pronounced FISH. GH as in rouGH, O as in wOmen (Wimmin. Not wimmin, wimmin ahhh how crap that looks written down Mr Hill…) and TI as in naTIon; GHOTI. FISH. See? Ok! So our weatherman is Mr Ghoti. Now, Michael. Mick? Mick Ghoti? Mike Ghoti? Oooo, Wiki; are you ready for this? Albania! Not the Southern dialect (Tosk) but the Northern dialect (Gheg); is translated as Mhill. So now we have Gheg'mhill Ghoti. Michael Fish.
And we sooo do not want to be wasting opportunities like this! F = GH? Ghuckin' priceless mate. LOL.
How about a sword called… Nog'huque… work it out… ignore the apostrophe's they mean jack. Awesome. Ahh, I so need to get out more…
Next time, emohem words and language, place names and magical beasties and weapon…ies…
Can you stand the pace? Seriously? Please, if you want me to stop, I will. Just send me a snail mail; addressed to me, naturally, but written on the finest 80gsm, slightly yellowed, antique parchment written in rare blue squid ink from the great barrier reef, and sealed inside a sharp folded, crisp £50 note...