The Word Cloud

I have to say, there are some topics which i automatically avoid when talking to strangers about myself. There are probably quite a few who will agree when I say the top two are relationships and religion.

I have to start with religion for this blog to make sense. I'm a christian- baptist for those who are interested. I belive in the Big Bang and the cosmology story. I belive that there is an all-loving God who (for reasons i still haven't worked out) loves me completely and utterly, even when I'm getting everything as wrong as I possibly can. I don't understand why non-christains believe that because you're christian, you have all the answers and can do no wrong. I'm still learning myself, I'm still human and humans make mistakes. I don't pretend to be God- I don't have all the answers but I try to help people when I can. I have to admit; I don't actually know the difference between Roman Catholic, Church of England and Catholic- if there is even a difference.

I have always been a christian. I was brought up in a christian family, decided to get baptised at 7 years old and do not regret it.   I am a hardworking, happy- if a little crazy- teenager with a whole future in front of me.  Once, when I was in a very bad place in my life, I saw what I would be without God; I would be a depressed emo, at the bottom of the class, I would hate life and all that my future held would be misery and death.At every step of the way, God has been in my life and has worked miracles on me. One of these miracles I want to share. It was to do with relationships.

I have never been in a relationship. I've never had a boyfriend (or a girlfriend- I'm not batting for that team, though i have nothing against those who are). I have, however, had a broken heart. Two in fact. I always get weird looks when I admit this, even to my closest friends. I don't go searching for guys to throw my heart at, I don't enjoy the feeling, I can't control it.

The first time, I was at a christian summer camp. I had gone with another church as my church's teenagers consisted of me and my sister. There was a gorgeous boy in the group as well who, for this account I will call Jay. Jay was a normal teenage boy with a large ego to go with it. I was increadibly shy and couldn't say anything to him without stammering so I tended not to say anything. I hadn't really realised what was going on as nothing like this had ever happened to me before. One day, my sister came running up to me and told me that she and jay were officially going out. I smiled and congratulated her, then went into my tent and cried. If anyone doesn't know what a broken heart feels like- it's pretty self-explanitory. My heart felt like it had been ripped to shreds in my chest. I kept as quiet as i could because tents aren't soundproof and no one heard me. I dried my face and kept out of everyone's way as much as possible as we ate dinner and went down to the evening service.

During the pray session, the leader asked if anyone needed healing. I certainly did, so I stood up for prayer. As the people around me started praying, I sent up my own prayer begging god to heal my heart for my sister's sake. I didn't want my pain to hurt her. I was beyond caring for myself- the damage was done. Suddenly the pain went and i was able to breath. I started laughing from relief. I laughed and laughed- and then fell over from lack of oxygen. The people left me when i was breathing normally again and then the tears started flowing. I was glad I was left to cry in piece. Healing a broken heart hurts more than breaking it, but it was worth it because I didn't ruin her relationship (he did, but that's beside the point).

I don't mind sharing this now because the scars have healed. I just wanted to reasure people out there that talking is hard, but God can always help even when none of us know much about him at all.

I wonder what tips Clouders may have.

For my part, I know that the following is true: when asked to name your partner's favourite flower, do not say, Homepride.

 

There are some words that hold the key of our survival.  The existence of every human being hovers around one such word - HappYness. Don’t fret over the misspelled word. I have remembered the correct spelling of the word, having I instead of Y, as my mom was very particular about the spellings...of course just to pass the exam or to enhance my English vocabulary. But I understood the real meaning of the word long after.

Happyness eludes us since generations. May be because everyone is seeking the ‘I’ part and don’t even bother to understand the hidden ‘Y’ in it. For sentient beings equation is always ‘I’ want to be happy, but the real question one should ask for ‘Y’ anyone wants to be happy. All are busy lustily in acquiring the power, money, ambition and this un-answering concentration on a single goal makes people insensitive.

We all are getting old living with constant fear of losing whatever we earn, having brief spell of  joy and constantly planning for future, that is yet to come, and trying to give life some more meaningful moments. But what we encounter is mere pleasure without even realizing that pleasure is fleeting.

All of us try hard to find balance in our lives, juggling infinite things at a time throughout our lives. Our relationships have grown so complex, they make so little sense, they are too frightful to contemplate- too depressing altogether. The real  happYness has nothing to do with our lives...all is vanity and nothing on lasts forever. People try to seek the happiness in outer world where even the shadow of its essence does not dwell.....it is within us. Before indulging into pursuing the happiness blindfoldedly from external sources, explore your inner world calling for the hidden ‘Y’ in happyness, and I think everyone will have the answer.

 

 

 

 

I am absolutely awe struck by the sensitive spot my blog, ‘To Honour and Obey? Bollocks!’, has rudely prodded.  This has sooooo put my world in perspective.  Here I was having an innocent bitch about my local conservatives, never imagining it still so rife even in modern 1^st worlds. 

Are women still fighting for freedom?  Hasn’t that been won!!!!! by us bra burners?

It strikes me that they are still many woman out there that are not liberated and don’t mind the fact. My mum was, ironically enough,  progressive in her thoughts, maybe I now take this for granted?  But I can’t understand why this is still so steeped in controversy.  To be honest I was prompted to write this misshapen blog by my driving frustrations and my need to commiserate with likeminded people.  It seems this is truly not what developed.

My corner of the world seems to reside next door to everyone?  I actually find that mortifying and totally backward.

Chapter 7 in Elizabeth Gilberts ‘Committed’ she quotes:

 ‘Of all the actions of man’s life, his marriage does least concern other people; yet of all the actions of our life, ’tis the most meddled with by other people.’ -  John Seldon, 1689.

Obviously, this needs to be put in context of men and women, but maybe I should just accept we are all one melting pot of ideas and beliefs and just leave it at that.

I think it was Oscar Wilde who once said "There's only one thing worse than being talked about .....and that's NOT being talked about." Have I got that right? Anyway I just love that quote. Sometimes I feel quite happy with it because at least if you're being talked about you must have something interesting about you even if it is negative! At least you inspire a reaction in people.

There's another quote which I love too taken from a poster that was up in an office I used to work in. it read:

Small people talk about other people
Average people talk about things
Great people talk about ideas

If that is the case then I am sometimes a great person but I have to admit I do love to talk about people. I mean we all do though don't we? Especially as I am a woman. We love it. Show me a woman who says she doesn't EVER gossip and I will show you a liar!

As a writer I HAVE to be interested in people and what makes them tick and I am sure you will relate to this too. The meaning of the word gossip has changed over the centuries from it's original definition of "kindred relation" to empty talk.  Now the Oxford English Dictionary definition of gossip is  casual conversation OR unsubstantiated reports about other people. Therefore I would say that the former is human nature-we all talk about other people and the latter is the bad thing. So gossip I think is only a good thing if we're not maligning people or spreading rumours. I've probably just stated the obvious I know but maybe we all need to be reminded from time to time about what is acceptable gossip and what is not.

Some people dream of fame but I'm so glad I am not as I think I would be having nervous breakdowns every day with the amount of gossip you get in today's media.I think that is an utter scandal in itself and people like the paparattzi and  gossip columnists should bow their heads in utter shame making a living out of other people's misery. It's worse than it's ever been.


 As long as gossip isn't malicious or maligning it can be a good thing surely. For example I really want to have a gossip about one set of neighbours on my Close to another! The reason being that one set of neighbours are being utterly grumpy sods with us these days. They've suddenly gone from being really nice to really grumpy and almost shunning me and my partner. I've tried the proper route by talking to them direct but to no avail. Now if I were to talk to the neighbours on the other side about them I may discover something useful like Bob and Linda are grumpy sods because Bob lost his job or someone in their family died. That way I would understand what is going on and I wouldn't want to gossip about them anymore!!!!

Anyway I guess I'll keep on gossiping (in the "interested in people" sort of way) because if I didn't I don't think I would have much to write about!
"Hell is other people" John Paul Sartre once said and when it comes to malicious gossip they are. But I think just talking about other people generally isn't so "small" after all.  

'Til next time,
 Jazzgirl

Hi all. Don't think I did a very good job of that last blog. It ended up as a sort of stream of conciousness really instead of a well constructed article. A blog should read like a columists entry in a paper I guess but I'm learning.

I think in order to write the article more accurately I need to let you know a bit more info really. You see, I turned to social networking sites like Facebook because  I suffer with chronic agoraphobia and can't get out to see people. No one on there apart from my closest friends know about it though. I've been wondering whether to talk about it on here just yet as it seems too much information to divulge too soon. But then I thought "Sod It". The more people know about this condition the less stigmatised it will eventually become. 

Now I won't go into explaining agoraphobia on this particular blog but I will on a future one. I'm going to call it "Inside Out-The Diary of an Agoraphobic" and I will give more information about the condition on there (and take a humourous look at it too!) for anyone who is interested. Where is the spell checker on here BTW?

Right so I turned to Facebook to help me feel less lonely because by gum as us Northerners say it sure gets lonely being stuck in a house all day with just two moggies for company. (And yes I am aware that I fulfill the "mad" stereotype/criteria for a female cat lover!) . Anyway Facebook has had quite the opposite effect. Instead of making me feel connected to humankind it has made me feel even more lonely. (Ahh! cue the sad violin again). But I'm not on here to gain sympathy. I just wanted to get people thinking about friendship and social networking sites  and maybe even re-evaluate their own relationships. 

I guess being on Facebook has made me take a long hard look at myself. Remember that famous quote from the film "It's Wonderful Life "? It goes "Remember, no man is a failure who has friends". And that is so true. 

To be frank, Facebook has made me feel like a social outcast at times. I used to go on there nearly every day and respond to people's status or "like" something they said or did, comment on their photos etc. But rarely (in comparison) did I get people responding to my site. I felt like I was putting in all the effort! I've also had (which I mentioned in the last blog) rude emails and people ignoring my "friend" requests. Now the latter has only come from friends of my ex partner who have blatently decided to take sides but it hurts none the less. Maybe I was a tad naive to contact them but I thought the split from my ex was was amicable and mutual. 

So the bad things I've got out of Facebook is complacency and sometimes rudeness and being shunned.  So if Facebook is a true reflection of my popularity and the sum total of the friendships I have collected in life then I could get very depressed about it and think nobody loves me -boo hoo. But I won't.

The complacent people who don't bother on Facebook are usually the ones I don't know very well anyway and so they don't know me very well. The thought provoking thing is there seems to be a lot of them. They are usually people that I have worked with in the past. Now this is where my agoraphobia comes in. I've been stuggling with this on and off for years and it's very hard to get to know people if you won't go out for a drink with them and generally "do stuff" with them. Maybe if I had these people would not be so complacent. They probably see ME as the complacent one. And if I do look at this group a little more closely I have to be honest with myself and say there are a couple maybe that I let down in the past at some point and I neglected them too. Friendship works both ways.

So lesson one - (Well a reminder really as I already knew this). Tackle the agoraphobia, do stuff with people and when you make friends make them feel appreciated  and valued!

As for the friends of my last ex I shouldn't take this to heart. When you suffer with a condition like mine it's very easy to look like "the baddie" in the relationship and people will take sides. I remember one occasion with my ex when we were together. We drove all the way from Sheffield to Bradford to meet up with friends for a curry but the minute we got there I had a panic attack and we had to come home. Needless to say that made me quite unpopular. However, just recently I discovered another funnier reason for their apparant dislike of me. My rather domineering and controlling Irish Catholic Mother (sorry Mum I love you but it is true) recently confessed to calling my ex some time ago and giving him a piece of her mind! She told him exactly what she thought of him and never to contact me again! Now I hadn't asked her to do that. I had been on speaking terms with my ex so now it's no surprise that he and his friends are ignoring me. How she got his number I will never know.

Lesson two- Keep Mother away from phones. Also, try to worry less about what others think of you, cherish your true friends and .....tackle the agoraphobia!

This leads me on to another group of people I keep in touch with on Facebook-the ex boyfriends spanning over 20 years. Now why on earth I keep in touch with these guys I really don't know. I am in a very happy loving relationship now so why? I guess it's becasue I've always got on with blokes better than women so when I lose a boyfriend I feel like I've lost a friend too. If I really analyse this though I discover that I really don't get anything out of these communications  (and I'm sure they don't either). Aside from the agoraphobia it would be inappropriate for me to meet up with married ex's as i'm sure their partners and my partner wouldn't like it. So I think it's time to cut loose. 

Lesson Three - Concentrate on making new fulfilling friendships, ditch the ex's and....tackle the agoraphobia! 

Another group on Facebook is the old school/uni mates. Now somone made a very valid point here on Cloud about only maintaining these friendships if you can think of things to talk to them about in more than one email. You are so right and I will take this on board.

Lesson Four - Maintain School/Uni friendships if you feel you have enough in common.

That leaves the friends on Facebook that I currently see. The ones who accept me for who I am and the ones that know about my agoraphobia. These are the people that really matter though they are pretty low in number but I can work on that.

Lesson Five- Tackle the agoraphobia! Make new friends but cherish your true friends. Make them feel valued and appreciated and they will make YOU feel valued and appreciated. Plus -I'm the sort of person who isn't into having loads of "mates" anyway and would rather have just a small group of very good true friends. So what the hell am I doing on Facebook in the first place?

You may be thinking "If you already have true friends why on earth are you bothering about the others". The answer is I guess I'm  a  little bit  insecure and want everyone to like me. But thanks to Facebook actually I've learnt that I don't need everyone to like me. I need to like myself. A corny "reach-for-the-vomit bucket"  truth but a truth none the less. 

Sorry if this has been a bit self -indulgent. That wasn't my intention. If I may use an American therapy yukky word here- by "sharing" this I hope others can gain from it too  . I think it helps us all to do a "friend audit" from time to time. Some friendships can be quite destructive to our spirit, others very neutral and others very fulfilling and I think it does us all good sometimes to access whether we're being a good friend to others as well as they to us.

I felt inspired to write this blog having had the warmest welcome from you guys here at The Word Cloud. Thank You. I will get round to commenting on some of your stories very soon. I'm a very very very slow reader (and slightly dylsexic) so I have to psyche myself up before I read anything!  
Writing for me comes easier than reading if that makes any sense.
 
Anyway, I've never actually written a blog before. This is my first one. I am a blog virgin so treat me gently, respect me in the morning and maybe we can enjoy a ciggie together afterwards .

I would like to talk to you today about my experiences with Facebook.  It's not been all bad but sometimes quite frankly it has left me in tears (cue weepy violin music). But i'll start with the good stuff:

The good thing about Facebook is that I've managed to hook up with some old schoolmates on there and it's really good to be in touch with them again. Some I don't have much in common with but there are one or two which I hope to keep in touch with for the rest of my natural now that I have found them again.

I'm ashamed to admit this but there's one friend on there that I used to "disown" sometimes when I was at school. For most of the time I was her friend but sometimes I was horrible to her.I wanted to be with the popular crowd and she was just way too eccentric with her wacky hair, unusual clothes and a passion for Georgette Heyer novels (in a 1980's secondary modern school this really was a no no. The only approved reading "literature" was Patches magazine and My Guy)  . Thing is  her eccentricity is what  I absolutely loved about her . She was different and to this day I really admire that in someone. We were birds of a feather  but  back then as a  shallow teenager I didn't have the courage to stick up to the people who bullied me for being her friend. She's a really wonderful person though because she put up with my bitchiness and now I wish she lived round the corner from me and not in Essex because I'd really like to see more of her. It's funny how the people we pick as friends when we are kids or teenagers are sometimes the people we  still have has friends today.  My friend and I still share the stuff in common that we had then-books, writing, music and horse riding. We've changed as people but our interests have endured and that's what keeps any relationship fortified.

Now for my negative experiences of Facebook:

Well, asa woman who has come to the realisation that she will never have children it's really hard to see the "we're so fertile" family pics that are so often uploaded on there. I don't blame the people who do it though. If I had fruit of my loins I'd probably do it too along with  funny stories about what my kids did or said.

The other hard thing to swallow sometimes is the pics of people having the time of their lives in exotic  or exciting locations such as the Bahamas, Thailand or AyresRock when I'm stuck here in rainy Warrington too skint to go on holiday. The nearest I get to Ayres Rock is listening to Pam Ayres reciting poetry on Radio 4. WhatI'm trying to say is that Facebook sometimes gives you the impression that other people's lives are morefulfilled. But maybe this isn't a bad thing. Feeling a twinge of jealousy perhaps makes me think about reframing my own life and finding ways to make it happier.

However what really upset me recently, what really gave me a slap in the Facebook was a nasty email I recieved from someone I used to know.

Now on Facebook  you have to use the term "friend"  quite loosely at times. Sometimes I just add people on there that I have known but they're not friends in the true sense. However I am interested sufficiently enough in them to keep in touch with their news. I think everyone on there does this. Anyway recently I put a "friend" request in to a woman who we shall call Claire. Now this was probably in hindsight a pretty naaive thing to do becauseClaire was a platonic friend of my ex partner. Thing is it had been an amicable split from him about 4 years ago now so I didn't think anyone was taking sides. Now bear in mind that I had entertainedthis woman in my home, I had bought her birthday presents and I had encouraged her with her dream of writing a novel. In short I'd never been anything else but very pleasant to this woman. She got married recently and I was admiring her wedding pics on another friends site so I sent her a brief email and a friend request. It didn't mean that I wanted to be her best buddy, it just meant that I was interested enough in her to keep in touch with her news right? Anyway she sends this horrible email back saying "I never was your friend, I don't want to be your friend. Please do not contact me again" I was stunned. I felt like a stalker.And to this day I really don't know what I've done or said to deserve that. So I wrote back an ultra nice email to make her feel guilty saying  something like "Well I WAS going to compliment you on your lovely wedding pics. Never mind. Seems I liked you more than you liked me. I wish you well"

So all in all Facebook has raised me up and dragged me down. It's put me back in touch with some great people but it's also made me realise just who my friends and "friends" really are or who they really were.

If I am to understand men, then I must first learn to think like a man. Men, they say, think about sex every seven seconds. I think about food every seven seconds. So, if I replace every thought I have of delicious curries and cakes with thoughts of boobies and bums, I can begin to understand what a man goes through every day.

I wake up thinking about food. I go to the gym so that I can eat more food. I look forward to breakfast. Then I’m sad because it’ll be at least another three hours before lunch. My favourite thing to do of an evening is go out for dinner. I like starters. I like main courses. I like pudding.

Now, let me swap all those thoughts for that of a man. Presumably.

I wake up thinking about sex. I go to the office every day, just so people don’t think I’m a weird pervert sitting in my porn-filled room all day. I look forward to seeing that cute girl in the office with the nice bum. Then I’m sad when she sits down because I know it might be a few hours before I see it again. My favourite thing to do of an evening is go to a bar and ogle pretty ladies. I like thin women. I like curvy women. I like all women.

Hmmm. We’re infinitely different, yet comparatively similar.

So now I’ve made this grand simile between men and women, I can claim to understand men. Therefore, I suppose I need to get my head around why the hell my boyfriend can waste six hours straight playing Grand Theft Auto.

What a stupid invention. I mean, who the hell – no, wait, stop. That’s not very understanding is it? Let me try again.

I arrive home and Gareth is playing this game. His eyes are glued to the screen and I doubt he’s blinked in an hour. I say hello, he grunts. I’d sooner win the lottery than get eye contact or even a kiss at this moment. I inquire as to his day. Another grunt.

In trying to understand this alpha male behaviour, as for the next hour all I can get out of him are expletives as he “takes down them bitches and ho’s”, I have to remain calm. More often than not during the course of learning to live with a partner, I have not remained calm, but rather had a mini tantrum and demanded that he turns the damn thing off or risk losing me forever.

But that only serves to make me feel like a nagging wife or mother, and that won’t do. Hence my venture to enter into his head space and understand him.

It happened quite by accident, my sudden understanding of all things Grand Theft Auto.

Gareth arrived home and I was watching Desperate Housewives. My eyes were glued to the screen, I doubt I’d blinked for an hour. Hello, he says, kneeling beside me. I grunt, tapping him gently on the head and turning the volume up slightly. He inquires as to my day.

‘Can we talk about this later?’ I ask, my eyes still on the impossibly skinny cast.

‘Of course we can,’ he says, probably smiling, I wasn’t looking. ‘As long as you remember this moment forever – remember that you are trying to watch something you enjoy and I’m trying to interrupt you, but you’d rather continue doing what you were doing before I walked in. I’ll be over here, not having a tantrum.’

Damn. That moment will stay with me forever. It'll haunt me forever. For now, not only do I understand Grand Theft Auto, I’ve got absolutely no legs to stand on when he has it on.

I blame those god damn impossibly skinny Desperate Housewives. I bet they don’t spend all day thinking about food.