The Word Cloud

Before you get too excited this is a story about animals. True story though. This evening I have been sharing my puppy pictures with the cloud. You might want to have a quick look at them first - as a visual aid - I will wait for you...

Ok, nice to see you back again. Are you sitting comfortably? - then I shall begin.  (Apologies to Daphne Oxfenford - are you old enough to remember the Radio Programme  'Listen with Mother?') This is the story of how the puppies came to be - you see we knew them from the very start of the process....

The story begins with Badger. The brown dog. She kept getting false pregnancies - serious ones - and accompanying uterine infections. Vet warned of increasing danger. 'Either spay her or mate her'. Badger is grown up daughter's dog - she was at college, dog with us. 'Dont spay her mum - can we have a litter?' Foolish but loving mother thinks ok we can cope. 'But you organise the sire'.  She did. He was a gorgeous black and white spaniel who lived in Harlow.  Harvey was to have a dirty long weekend with us - or rather five days - we would collect him and take him home when the job was done. Sounded so easy.

Getting Harvey was.  Round the M25, collect dog, drive home. Make sure everyone ready to help out if Badger rejected him. Drove up. Got Harvey out of car, and in to meet Badger. Badger frantic - suddenly energised with sexual need - body language saying 'He-he, I know why you are here, I am ready and waiting....' 

What does Harvey do? Walks straight past her and tried to hump the old spaniel, Cadburys,  - who is a neutered male by the way!!

Ok removed Cadburys, and let Badger and Harvey introduce themselves.  And while they do can I ask you how much you know about mating dogs? Yes, of course we knew about the humping that you see when dogs get together off the lead when you dont want them to, but do you know about  the turning back-to-back bit and locking together? I learned that bit from Jeremy Clarkson on Top Gear. Cant remember how that fits in with a car programme. Anyway apparently it doesnt count if they dont go back-to-back and lock. And if there is a mismatch in heights - which there was - all the good sex-manuals-for-your-dog books recommend human intervention at the crucial time of entry - sorry this is crude but its true. and funny. You should see it.

So within a few minutes Harvey showed he had fully read and understood his brief and Badger was willing - entry was complete, but he couldnt get his leg over and she squeaked. Hysterical human intervention.  Its priceless.  Job done - she was settled and locked and you have to wait until they are finished to make sure he gets his leg back over, so to speak.  It is very difficult to not laugh out loud when this is happening - you look at your position and theirs and think about it, and try not to upset their dignity or performance....

Game over.  Time for recovery and tea.  Later in the evening teenage son happened to be closest so he and husband had to get the leg over, soothe Badger and pretend they were just squashed against the coffee table leg as normal for watching evening television! And I wonder how he ever did explain that one to his cool dude friends.... I wonder if he ever did? Game two over.

Game three was about one o clock in the morning. I had gone to bed - sensible woman.  Husband had gone to bed but had come down to get a drink of water. Cadburys asleep. Badger and Harvey were supposed to be too...
Enter new characters - grown up daughter and long term boyfriend returning from party. Knew about planned activity for the weekend. But not their role in it.  They went into kitchen to see dogs and get tea. Harvey went to Badger to get her. You get the picture.  Husband helpfully wished daughter and boyfriend good luck and left them all to it....

Daughter and boyfriend had to help get the leg over  - and I forgot to mention how difficult that can be for humans as you cannot change your supporting positions when soothing dogs and helping them maintain theirs....... it helps to have a good imagination here. Daughter not engaged in passionate embrace with boyfriend - boyfriend too squashed up against french window, trying not to fall over while supporting dog......forty minutes later time to reverse process, boyfriend tries to remove cramp from own leg, daughter decided tea too cold and puts kettle on. Harvey and Badger retire to separate beds and restore their dignity.

Game four was about half past five in the morning. Husband heard dogs making too much noise.  We came downstairs.  Let dogs down garden - cadburys had a quick wee and retired discreetly to let the major players continue.  Few minutes later husband and I had another turn getting the leg over - took on our supporting roles and started to have silent hysterics as we reviewed our positions wedged under the stairs, between the wall and the filing cabinet. Think - cant we tell dogs about doing it in style and comfort, and about having greater consideration for their human support agencies......

Game five was short.  And by half past ten Badger had that look about her - 'If you come anywhere near me Harvey, I will kill you. I mean it. I  WILL KILL YOU. I HAVE HAD ENOUGH. GO HOME. YOUR JOB IS DONE. .......... I WANT TO BE ALONE......'

We were told Harvey knew his business. He did. Our plan to borrow him for up to five days was not necessary. Less than 24 hours later he was a rejected male. And on his way home without knowing what he had done wrong.  But I dont think he was too upset really - I hear he has about 20 offspring now.....
and you have met five of them on my pics.