Collecting my stuff, 2
Snippet One.
Vaelen filtered out of the hall with the rest of the men, choosing not to stay behind and speak with Ellian or the others. Llana had stayed unusually quiet throughout the meeting, and he had decided to simply take her back to her room in the temple. He moved away from the crowd and led her through smaller, quieter streets.
There was little moonlight, and the dark street was only lit in places by the warm glow of a lantern, or the inviting light of a house window that spilled out onto the cobbled streets. Each lit window gave a glimpse of a deliciously warm and comfortable room, with a fire lit to keep out the chilly night. Vaelen shivered, wishing he was indoors as a wind whistled between the houses, carrying a cold stab that reminded them that winter was not so far behind them.
“It’s going to be really dangerous, isn’t it?” Llana asked quietly, almost in a whisper. “It really is like suicide, isn’t it?”
Vaelen glanced sideways at her. Once again, the dim lights seemed to illuminate her more than anything else, so that she glowed as warmly as those windows and lanterns. She was staring down at her feet, not appearing to notice his gaze. “It’s going to be very dangerous, yes.” Vaelen agreed, unable to assuage her fears.
She looked up at him, her eyes glistening with anxious tears. “You’re going to be careful, aren’t you? You’re not going to get yourself killed?”
Vaelen couldn’t help but smile. “I’ve been in plenty of danger before, and I’m still alright. You mustn’t worry.”
Llana blinked and drew herself together. “I’m sorry. It’s been a long day. I know you’ll take care of yourself. There were too many people in the hall, and I’m not strong enough to sort them all apart yet. I couldn’t read anyone specific in there, so I’m a little unsure of myself.” She admitted.
“Are you going to be strong enough to come with us? Are you even planning to come with us?” Vaelen asked. “It’s okay to stay behind.”
“No, I’ll be going.” Llana replied. “I’m getting stronger all the time.” She pulled at the bandages on her wrists. “Don’t let these fool you. I’m letting them heal naturally, so I don’t waste any energy. There’ll be wounded at Tor, and you’ll need me there to stop the wounded from being the dead.”
They walked on in silence for a few more minutes. Gradually the Temple became visible, the lights on its highest windows shining above the rooftops of the other houses. “Have you ever been to Tor before?” Vaelen asked.
“Once or twice as a child, with my father.” Llana replied. “Only ever on business. Most of the time I stayed at home.”
“After the battle, I’ll take you down Market Street, to see the shops and stalls there. We’ll be able to get you new rings and bracelets and things without any trouble. New dresses too, you must surely be running out by now.” Vaelen said.
Llana smiled. “I have three left. I had some bought for me when I was resting in Kvan. I do miss my jewellery though.”
“Is there any special reason for wearing all those bracelets and rings?” Vaelen asked. “A status thing perhaps?”
Llana shook her head. “You overestimate me. They look pretty and make nice noises when they bang together. Not everything about me has to be complicated or meaningful in any way.”
Vaelen raised an eyebrow. “Yes, I had noticed.” He said. “Alright, here’s the Temple. Home at last. I do hope they’ve got a fire going in there.”
“It feels strange to be back there so soon.” Llana said.
“I hope I get a better night’s sleep this time.” Vaelen said, remembering the night he spent before freeing Llana. “Although I once again find myself with a lot on my mind. I imagine that will keep me awake for longer than I’d hope.”
“I can help you sleep!” Llana offered brightly, her expression turning to sudden confusion as Vaelen choked with awkward laughter. She crossed her arms. “I meant with my lullaby. It’s worked on you before.” She sighed. “Oh, do grow up Vaelen. You know perfectly well what I meant.”
Snippet Two.
Serlai was suddenly startled by a hand clapping him on the shoulder. He jolted and turned to see Llana standing behind him, fixing him with concerned eyes. He cursed. How did she move so quietly? He took a quiet moment to recuperate some dignity before addressing the delicate young Oracle. “Do you need something?” He asked.
Llana nodded curtly. “I need to speak to you. Somewhere quiet.”
“Fine.” Serlai agreed, following her away from the camp toward a small copse a short distance away, just far enough for the voices of the camp to grow quieter, and for the features of the men to disappear into shadow as the sky grew darker. “You will most likely be fighting tomorrow.” Llana said as they reached the trees.
“By the afternoon, if we are where I think we are.” Serlai agreed.
“Vaelen will follow you to the end. He will do as you say, and fight by your side. You realise this?” Llana asked.
“It’s not uncommon for a student to feel a bond with his teacher, and we are friends, so yes, I imagine he will. Don’t worry, I will look after him.” Serlai assured her.
Llana nodded, seeming to be distracted for a moment. “You will be seeking out Valkia tomorrow.” She said. It was a statement, rather than a question.
“You can’t ask me to do otherwise.” Serlai said. “You know this.”
Llana stared at her feet, a bandaged hand pulling and twisting a lock of hair. “I know. Vaelen will follow you.” She said.
“If that is his choice. He is a Knight, and able to make his own decisions.” Serlai replied.
Llana was on him in a flash, her slender hands balled into fists around his collar, shoving him back against a tree with a strength and vigour that shocked the Knight. “You will not allow Vaelen to face that man. You will not let him be killed just because you want your own hollow victory.” She hissed, her eyes flashing and her voice full of venom. “I saw what Valkia did to Asrei, and I know Vaelen isn’t ready to fight him. You will not let him follow you into battle with that man.”
“I… I’ll do my best to dissuade him.” Serlai managed, still trying to regain his composure. Llana leant in closer.
“You will not let him fight Valkia. Mark my words Serlai, if Vaelen dies because he got caught up in your lust for revenge, I will personally bring upon you pain and suffering beyond anything you have ever imagined, even if I have to step into the Void to drag your soul kicking and screaming back into your broken carcass. If I have to, I will bring you from the dead just so I can kill you myself. That is nothing less than a promise, Knight.” She growled, before letting him go. She stood away from him for a moment, allowing him to dust himself off.
When she next spoke, her voice was softer, and her eyes had lost the furious gleam they had had a few moments ago. “Now I have said that, I must say that I don’t wish to see you dead either. You have been a good friend to all of us, and it would sadden me to see you die.” She said.
“I do not intend to die.” Serlai answered. “I intend to defeat him.”
Llana shook her head with a smirk. “You still think you can lie to me. It’s quite endearing really, like a dog that just can’t quite learn that new trick. You are full of doubt.” She observed.
Serlai sighed. “Last time I faced Valkia, I lost.” He said. “I know I have gotten better, but he will have improved also. I might not even come close to victory this time.”
“Last time you were consumed with grief, guilt and rage. Your judgement was impaired and your skill must surely have suffered.” Llana said. She made sure he was looking her in the eyes before going on. “Next time you face him, you will surely be controlled by rage again. You will die.”
Serlai raised an eyebrow, annoyed at how unsettling her certainty was. “That isn’t much help, Llana.” He said.
“The solution to this problem is quite obvious.” Llana reasoned. “You will not defeat Valkia with rage. Rage did not make you the greatest Knight in the Empire. You must control yourself before you can begin to defeat him.”
With that she turned on her heel and walked back into the camp, leaving Serlai alone. He swore and thumped a tree with his palm. The truth was uncomfortable so close to the battle. It made him no more confident that he would do anything less than die at the hands of Valkia tomorrow. He shook the thoughts from his mind. She was simply frightened, concerned for the safety of Vaelen. He shouldn’t be placing too much weight on her words. He would at least do as she asked, and keep Vaelen away from Valkia. He would rather meet him alone anyway.
4 Comments
' How did she move so quietly? He took a quiet moment . . .' Delete 'quiet', unnecessary and also you've just used 'quietly' so it jars.
'Somewhere quiet.' Quiet again! Rephrase, eg "Somewhere private."
'grow quieter' Maybe you should go through all your work, underlining this word wherever you find it! Don't worry, we all have words like that, you just have to be aware of them and edit them out where possible. Common ones are 'suddenly', 'began to' or 'started to', 'vaguely', and plenty of others. I expect someone has blogged a list of them somewhere. But we each have a few words of our own which we over-use.
'tomorrow.” Llana said' When following dialogue with its attribution (ie, who said it) the dialogue should end with a comma: ' . . . tomorrow," Lana said'
'You realise this?” Llana asked.' Avoid giving dialogue attribution where it's not needed. You can delete 'Lana asked' cos it's clear who is speaking.
'Serlai assured her.' / 'otherwise.” Serlai said. “You' / 'Vaelen will follow you.” She said.' / 'decisions.” Serlai replied.' In all these cases, the attribution can be deleted. Go through all your work and do the same.
There isn't much wrong with this. If you fix the problems with dialogue attribution, it will read well. Two points to remeber:
1) If it's clear from context who is speaking, attribution is unnecessary.
2) If attribution is needed, end the dialogue with a comma, not a full stop: "Blah blah," he said.
Hope you find this helpful!
I posted this up before getting a lot of critique on here, so its a bit rougher than some of my newer stuff. I am grateful though, it's good to have another nagging voice in the back of my head when i write. Word repetition has ever been a weakness of mine, and something i watch fiercely now. Dialogue attribution is now on the list, and i will keep an eye on that. Cheers!
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