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So there I was......

Published by: Neil Evans on 13th Sep 2012 | View all blogs by Neil Evans
.....minding my own business, waiting for my second one-to-one in the space of thirty minutes. I'd already tried to walk into the ladies once only to be stopped dead by that loud woman who kept telling people to sit on each other, shouting at me. She must have been in the army, surely? Funnily enough, every time I started wandering over for one of my session's the previous person got up & walked off, quite often in mid-sentence. I like to make an impression, me.
Anyway, I digress. The first one-to-one had gone well. Very supportive & suggestive of the odd improvement (something about bin?) & even a suggestion of the agent who would be suited to my stuff. I thanked the nice man and wandered off. I hadn't really anticipated any bother with him though, as I'd picked him out as an ex-trucker, & after the secret handshake (involving offering each other a Yorkie) all was well. I'd let the side down a bit, mind you as I'd forgotten my check shirt.....
I popped back upstairs only to find a short line of people (or a line of short people) on the stage & a Scottish bloke talking quietly into the mike. After 2 minutes I'd decided I hadn't got the foggiest idea what he was saying & looking around at the non-plussed faces there was a shortage of interpreters available, so I descended the steps once again. In truth I'd quite enjoyed the being shouted at bit but it didn't seem to work when I went in the gents toilet.
Disappointing.
Anyway, back to the point, there is one, honest. As I stood there, watching Skylark doing a zebedee impression as she tried to do the writing equivalent of the three peaks challenge....didn't see anyone cry though, disappointing again. That reminds me, surely its dodgy having a great big bleedin' lake right outside when you've been ripped apart in a one-to-one. Culpable homicide?.....Erm, where was I? Ah yes, well, I knew why I'd picked the trucker bloke, but as I looked across at my next 'opponent' I thought, now why did I pick her? I looked at my notes & couldn't provide an answer. I thought about this long & hard & the only solution I could come up with was that she looked fit in the photo. Well, she did, sorry.....
Onwards. The end of the session was announced. I say announced, cos if the Titanic had some one at the front shouting like that the iceberg would have chickened out. So I wanders over.
"ello, 'ow you doing?" say I. (Why have I just become a cockney?)
"Neil?"
"Err, yep, thats me."
"I didn't really know what to expect?"
"Come again?"
"Well, your bio made me sit up a bit, & you really don't look like a romance novelist."
"Is that good?"
"Its probably good for romance, yes."

She was pretty supportive to be fair, so I'm doing her a disservice really.

The previous night had been a bit similar as well, as I got into a conversation with a fellow cloudie whose name escapes me (embarassing, sorry)
"So what do you write?" I was asked.
"Crime" I replied.
"Hmm, why crime?"
Good question, I thought.
"Well, its what I do" In my defence I was still feeling my way a bit here. She pushed her chair a bit further away & said "what? you're a criminal?"

I have been known to have that effect on people....

Couple of other thoughts. At the gala dinner I was with Sirtanic (top bloke, ignore the others) & we headed over towards 'our lot' but there was only one seat left on that table, so I plonked myself down on the next table across. It was populated by gangsters. I thought 'oh God, I was trying to avoid this lot last night' lol. Jock may well have the same initial impact on people as me, but he goes on a full frontal verbal assault pounding them into submission. The rest of that night is history. I thought it'd be a nice quiet shindig but I found the pisshead end of the market lol.
Last thought. There is no physical way that Tenacity is as old as she says she is. Thats just silly. I've never been great at womens ages (its a dodgy game, lets be fair) but I'd have guessed at about 28!
Top weekend. great company, & to say I was woolly on monday was an understatement. Someone drove my truck friday & it took me until wednesday to realise he'd moved all the mirrors. Quite a way, too......

Comments

30 Comments

  • Old Fat Prop
    by Old Fat Prop 1 year ago
    on the strength of this... I shall go next year.... One continuous laugh...

    Finally a FoW blog I can relate to... the only tears are when the bar shuts... Judging the judges so you can context their comments... perfect.

    Love the idea of a truck driver / writer and the effect that has on people judging the writing and giving advice. ... reminds me of bomb disposal... "If I tell him his book is shit, will he rip my head off?..... "

    Some excellent points very well made and entertaining.....


    Nice one.... Your round I believe.....
  • MinxieAD
    by MinxieAD 1 year ago
    This brought a smile.

    The thought of ending up on a table of people I don't know terrifies me! I tend to talk crap when I'm nervous and the more nervous I am, the more crap I talk! If I come next year, promise to save me seat!!!! ;)
  • GippsGirl
    by GippsGirl 1 year ago
    Thanks for the belly laugh Neil! I'm a bit surprised your genre is crime. I'd have thought humour was a natural for you. :)
  • Autumn
    by Autumn 1 year ago
    :-D

    And Neil is equally charming and funny in real life too. I enjoyed chatting to you.

    PS. Wasn't me you said 'crime' to. :-D
  • Tenacityflux
    by Tenacityflux 1 year ago
    Awh shucks, bless you, I've never really thought about it before, just am what I is? I'm so glad I got to meet everyone, I would almost like to have one big table next year for us all, but then that would be horribly clique-y - perhaps we should do a sort of Alice in Wonderland thing and change tables are each course? I think humor is an essential ingredient in both crime and romance and I'd agree with the agent, romance writing definitely needs someone like you to shake it up!TF x
  • mike
    by mike 1 year ago
    iI've read your piece in critiques, I know it is a completely different genre bur if you put the style you have here into your fiction?
  • sirtanicmills
    by sirtanicmills 1 year ago
    Good stuff Neil, you have set me off laughing again. Hope you do 2013 - you're a good guy to share a beer or seven with. And a story teller, as is clear from your blog. I look forward to your foray into the romance genre ;)
  • Neil Evans
    by Neil Evans 1 year ago
    Romance? I think I best read up here......
  • Neil Evans
    by Neil Evans 1 year ago
    Round? belly laugh? Oy, i'm on a diet don't ya know! Thanks for the comments.
    Minx: there'll be plenty of spaces on the Nomad's table, never fear. It's just a bit like musical chairs that gets slower as the night goes on. (The Nomads are Jock & his crew)
    Autumn: i'm often called funny but in a different context. Charming? No
    Tenacity: I dont think she wanted me in romance tbh, & she didn't even hide it well lol
    Mike: I'm not sure I could pull it off thats why. A bit too Elvis Cole? But thanks for the thought
    Sirtanic: thought you said you were giving up drugs after York?
  • Neil Evans
    by Neil Evans 1 year ago
    Prop: You'd fit right in, mate. I think we might be quite similar, which could of course be a problem lol
  • Squidge
    by Squidge 1 year ago
    Neil - fab blog!! I giggled all the way through it - especially when I got to the lady shouting at everyone to sit on people's knees if they wouldn't budge. I think Alan was considering staying put as he had the 1-2-1 with Debi before me! :)
  • Noodledoodle
    by Noodledoodle 1 year ago
    Super blog Neil - I had visions of lots of air kissing ... pleasantly surprised :-)
  • Skylark
    by Skylark 1 year ago
    Zebedee? :-P Lol
  • John Taylor
    by John Taylor 1 year ago
    Good stuff, Neil. I've no idea what I said or what anyone else said in the dining room, because the noise was so deafening. Well, deafening to a half-deaf nut like me. But it was fun watching the body language at the Nomads table. A pity you didn't meet Tony Slater though - last year's gala dinner was... well... um...
  • sirtanicmills
    by sirtanicmills 1 year ago
    John! we need another word or three?
  • John Taylor
    by John Taylor 1 year ago
    I'm a bit low in the thesaurus department this evening, your sirtanic majesty.
  • Neil Evans
    by Neil Evans 1 year ago
    Air kissing, Noodle? Please do explain, I'm intrigued
  • Tenacityflux
    by Tenacityflux 1 year ago
    Oh no Noodle, it was refreshingly down to earth and normal, a vibe somewhere between the school canteen and the snug in the Dog and Duck!
  • sirtanicmills
    by sirtanicmills 1 year ago
    Luvvies were thin on the ground ND. I saw a goose struggling with one - nobody intervened.
  • Neil Evans
    by Neil Evans 1 year ago
    Oh, I got that wrong then. I thought she meant I came across as snooty or big headed or something. My bad, sorry
  • Neil Evans
    by Neil Evans 1 year ago
    Tbf I dunno why I thought that as I've never been called snooty. Snoopy, yes, but not snooty
  • sirtanicmills
    by sirtanicmills 1 year ago
    I thought it was you who threw the luvvie to the goose?
  • Neil Evans
    by Neil Evans 1 year ago
    ...and my cricket nickname is swoopy! Ha humour & poetry in the same thread
  • Noodledoodle
    by Noodledoodle 1 year ago
    Neil, you know that mwah, mwah crap when luvvies pretend to kiss each other's cheeks, but intentionally miss so as not to catch crabs or some infectious disease ...
  • Neil Evans
    by Neil Evans 1 year ago
    Ah got ya. Must have been having a paranoid moment. You'll see why in a few minutes.....
  • Hil
    by Hil 1 year ago
    Hilarious reading, Neil. And your other blog about the cricket... Glad you stuck with your decision and came to York. Imagine if it was mwah, mwah etc. Awful. BTW I couldn't understand a word that Scottish bloke said either - and he kept putting his hand in front of his mouth too. I'm sure it would all have been worth hearing...
  • Old Fat Prop
    by Old Fat Prop 1 year ago
    I dont do air kissing .... everyone is going to get a damned good licking after a good hound dog sniffing..... especially Evans...

    ...I love the smell of cricket in the morning....
  • Barb
    by Barb 1 year ago
    Ah Propy, I hope I'm there to see that.

    (Only the initial hello licks. If it develops into a bromance we'll never mention it again)
  • Neil Evans
    by Neil Evans 1 year ago
    nobody's licking me......
  • sirtanicmills
    by sirtanicmills 1 year ago
    That's done then. Next year's in my diary!
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