So there I was......
.....minding my own business, waiting for my second one-to-one in
the space of thirty minutes. I'd already tried to walk into the
ladies once only to be stopped dead by that loud woman who kept
telling people to sit on each other, shouting at me. She must have
been in the army, surely? Funnily enough, every time I started
wandering over for one of my session's the previous person got up
& walked off, quite often in mid-sentence. I like to make an
impression, me.
Anyway, I digress. The first one-to-one had gone well. Very supportive & suggestive of the odd improvement (something about bin?) & even a suggestion of the agent who would be suited to my stuff. I thanked the nice man and wandered off. I hadn't really anticipated any bother with him though, as I'd picked him out as an ex-trucker, & after the secret handshake (involving offering each other a Yorkie) all was well. I'd let the side down a bit, mind you as I'd forgotten my check shirt.....
I popped back upstairs only to find a short line of people (or a line of short people) on the stage & a Scottish bloke talking quietly into the mike. After 2 minutes I'd decided I hadn't got the foggiest idea what he was saying & looking around at the non-plussed faces there was a shortage of interpreters available, so I descended the steps once again. In truth I'd quite enjoyed the being shouted at bit but it didn't seem to work when I went in the gents toilet.
Disappointing.
Anyway, back to the point, there is one, honest. As I stood there, watching Skylark doing a zebedee impression as she tried to do the writing equivalent of the three peaks challenge....didn't see anyone cry though, disappointing again. That reminds me, surely its dodgy having a great big bleedin' lake right outside when you've been ripped apart in a one-to-one. Culpable homicide?.....Erm, where was I? Ah yes, well, I knew why I'd picked the trucker bloke, but as I looked across at my next 'opponent' I thought, now why did I pick her? I looked at my notes & couldn't provide an answer. I thought about this long & hard & the only solution I could come up with was that she looked fit in the photo. Well, she did, sorry.....
Onwards. The end of the session was announced. I say announced, cos if the Titanic had some one at the front shouting like that the iceberg would have chickened out. So I wanders over.
"ello, 'ow you doing?" say I. (Why have I just become a cockney?)
"Neil?"
"Err, yep, thats me."
"I didn't really know what to expect?"
"Come again?"
"Well, your bio made me sit up a bit, & you really don't look like a romance novelist."
"Is that good?"
"Its probably good for romance, yes."
She was pretty supportive to be fair, so I'm doing her a disservice really.
The previous night had been a bit similar as well, as I got into a conversation with a fellow cloudie whose name escapes me (embarassing, sorry)
"So what do you write?" I was asked.
"Crime" I replied.
"Hmm, why crime?"
Good question, I thought.
"Well, its what I do" In my defence I was still feeling my way a bit here. She pushed her chair a bit further away & said "what? you're a criminal?"
I have been known to have that effect on people....
Couple of other thoughts. At the gala dinner I was with Sirtanic (top bloke, ignore the others) & we headed over towards 'our lot' but there was only one seat left on that table, so I plonked myself down on the next table across. It was populated by gangsters. I thought 'oh God, I was trying to avoid this lot last night' lol. Jock may well have the same initial impact on people as me, but he goes on a full frontal verbal assault pounding them into submission. The rest of that night is history. I thought it'd be a nice quiet shindig but I found the pisshead end of the market lol.
Last thought. There is no physical way that Tenacity is as old as she says she is. Thats just silly. I've never been great at womens ages (its a dodgy game, lets be fair) but I'd have guessed at about 28!
Top weekend. great company, & to say I was woolly on monday was an understatement. Someone drove my truck friday & it took me until wednesday to realise he'd moved all the mirrors. Quite a way, too......
Anyway, I digress. The first one-to-one had gone well. Very supportive & suggestive of the odd improvement (something about bin?) & even a suggestion of the agent who would be suited to my stuff. I thanked the nice man and wandered off. I hadn't really anticipated any bother with him though, as I'd picked him out as an ex-trucker, & after the secret handshake (involving offering each other a Yorkie) all was well. I'd let the side down a bit, mind you as I'd forgotten my check shirt.....
I popped back upstairs only to find a short line of people (or a line of short people) on the stage & a Scottish bloke talking quietly into the mike. After 2 minutes I'd decided I hadn't got the foggiest idea what he was saying & looking around at the non-plussed faces there was a shortage of interpreters available, so I descended the steps once again. In truth I'd quite enjoyed the being shouted at bit but it didn't seem to work when I went in the gents toilet.
Disappointing.
Anyway, back to the point, there is one, honest. As I stood there, watching Skylark doing a zebedee impression as she tried to do the writing equivalent of the three peaks challenge....didn't see anyone cry though, disappointing again. That reminds me, surely its dodgy having a great big bleedin' lake right outside when you've been ripped apart in a one-to-one. Culpable homicide?.....Erm, where was I? Ah yes, well, I knew why I'd picked the trucker bloke, but as I looked across at my next 'opponent' I thought, now why did I pick her? I looked at my notes & couldn't provide an answer. I thought about this long & hard & the only solution I could come up with was that she looked fit in the photo. Well, she did, sorry.....
Onwards. The end of the session was announced. I say announced, cos if the Titanic had some one at the front shouting like that the iceberg would have chickened out. So I wanders over.
"ello, 'ow you doing?" say I. (Why have I just become a cockney?)
"Neil?"
"Err, yep, thats me."
"I didn't really know what to expect?"
"Come again?"
"Well, your bio made me sit up a bit, & you really don't look like a romance novelist."
"Is that good?"
"Its probably good for romance, yes."
She was pretty supportive to be fair, so I'm doing her a disservice really.
The previous night had been a bit similar as well, as I got into a conversation with a fellow cloudie whose name escapes me (embarassing, sorry)
"So what do you write?" I was asked.
"Crime" I replied.
"Hmm, why crime?"
Good question, I thought.
"Well, its what I do" In my defence I was still feeling my way a bit here. She pushed her chair a bit further away & said "what? you're a criminal?"
I have been known to have that effect on people....
Couple of other thoughts. At the gala dinner I was with Sirtanic (top bloke, ignore the others) & we headed over towards 'our lot' but there was only one seat left on that table, so I plonked myself down on the next table across. It was populated by gangsters. I thought 'oh God, I was trying to avoid this lot last night' lol. Jock may well have the same initial impact on people as me, but he goes on a full frontal verbal assault pounding them into submission. The rest of that night is history. I thought it'd be a nice quiet shindig but I found the pisshead end of the market lol.
Last thought. There is no physical way that Tenacity is as old as she says she is. Thats just silly. I've never been great at womens ages (its a dodgy game, lets be fair) but I'd have guessed at about 28!
Top weekend. great company, & to say I was woolly on monday was an understatement. Someone drove my truck friday & it took me until wednesday to realise he'd moved all the mirrors. Quite a way, too......
30 Comments
Finally a FoW blog I can relate to... the only tears are when the bar shuts... Judging the judges so you can context their comments... perfect.
Love the idea of a truck driver / writer and the effect that has on people judging the writing and giving advice. ... reminds me of bomb disposal... "If I tell him his book is shit, will he rip my head off?..... "
Some excellent points very well made and entertaining.....
Nice one.... Your round I believe.....
The thought of ending up on a table of people I don't know terrifies me! I tend to talk crap when I'm nervous and the more nervous I am, the more crap I talk! If I come next year, promise to save me seat!!!! ;)
And Neil is equally charming and funny in real life too. I enjoyed chatting to you.
PS. Wasn't me you said 'crime' to. :-D
Minx: there'll be plenty of spaces on the Nomad's table, never fear. It's just a bit like musical chairs that gets slower as the night goes on. (The Nomads are Jock & his crew)
Autumn: i'm often called funny but in a different context. Charming? No
Tenacity: I dont think she wanted me in romance tbh, & she didn't even hide it well lol
Mike: I'm not sure I could pull it off thats why. A bit too Elvis Cole? But thanks for the thought
Sirtanic: thought you said you were giving up drugs after York?
...I love the smell of cricket in the morning....
(Only the initial hello licks. If it develops into a bromance we'll never mention it again)
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