The Word Cloud

                               

 

 

Whissspering Woodsss

                   Laura stands, panting and bloody, in a courtyard. All around her             lie still nuns and gore.

.

(Him:          I suppose you’re right, Laura. We can continue onwards now- but I still don’t think they were Banshees.)

 

L.:               Must’ve been.

 

(Him:           No...)

 

L.:               They were screaming.

 

(Him:          They weren’t carrying knuckle-dusters, though.)

 

L.:               Medusas? Harpies? Ffwitches?

 

Laura gropes forward until encounters a corpse. She kicks it, perhaps to check if it’s alive.

 

(Him:          No...)

 

L.:               Dead now, anyway. All too dead.

 

                   Laura stoops and frisks corpse –a crucifix stabbed into its back.

 

(Her:           Anything good?)

 

L.:               Just some wine... bit of bread...

 

(Him:           Any regrets?)

 

L.:               ...Not that I can feel...

 

(Him:          Anyway, just keep side-stepping to your front ‘til you reach the exit.)

 

Laura walks toward exit, stuffing bread under her over-large, horned- helmet. A lung falls from the horn.

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                         Room 17,C

In Seeing Chamber, He and She are at unicorn torso table -Him dressed as an exact Harry Potter replica, his pencil a wand, a limp dick hanging from his forehead:. She’s wearing taped-together NHS granny-specs, a dirty brown-beigy fleece. Master and Slave in background on their black-leather, hoofed chaise-longue.

 

Master:       Take a side-step right, Laura!

 

(L.:              Where am I?)

 

Chamber 17, C is a room with a holiday-snap of a deep chasm pasted to the floor.

Laura is now stood on the only super-imposed square of solid ground graphic.

 

 

(Him:          You’re in a room, in front of you there is a bottomless pit)

 

(Master:      Mmm, m’yes, the Giants Grave Yard. On the other side lies the Whispering Woods! Think carefully, and think fast, my fine and fancy changelings, and...)

 

(Him: ...      ...Yes?)

 

(Master:      ... ... Hurry!)

 

                   In Seeing Chamber Slave stops licking the Master’s thigh-length fur and metal boot, he moves over to Him and Her like the Child Catcher and pokes his head between theirs. They stiffen in distaste and stare fixedly ahead.

 

Slave:          (Violent sibilance) Yesss! The hhh-Whissspering Woodsss! A fell and deadly place, a dell and feadly place, a pell and deadly face, a dell and paedly face. They say that the Woods are full of fear, full of whissspersss!

 

Master:       M’yes, Slave. And quickly, what does the Lore of the Labyyyrtinth tell us of whisperers?

 

Slave:          They’re always whisssperin’ ‘bout you.

 

Her:            How do we get across to the door, Games Master?

 

                   Master looks insulted, Slave snickers.

 

Master:       Hurry, heroes, hurry! You have in your possession a spell which Laura received for services rendered to a cartel of pterodactyls. And did you know? ...

 

                   Him and Her regard the Master.

 

Master:       (Raises his eyebrows enquiringly)...?

 

Him:           ... NO!

 

Master:       Well perhaps you should try listening for a change, stop butting in, answering what are obviously rhetorical questions?!

 

He and She turn away, shaking their heads and tutting in disgust.

 

Master:       M’ah, they learn.

 

(Laura:        So what’s going on? Where am I?)

 

Him:           We’re gonna use an incantation

 

L.:               Go on then.

 

(Him:          Have you still got the scroll?)

 

                   Laura pats herself down.

 

L.:               Can’t feel it. Are you not sure we’ve used it already?

 

(Him:          No.)

 

L.:               “No” you’re not sure, or “Yes” you’re not sure?

 

(Him:          No, I’m not “Not sure”, and “Yes” I’m certain, Laura.)

 

 L.:              ...Have we used the scroll or not?

 

(Him:          She’s bloody lost it!)

 

L.:               Found it! I had it locked into my Pink Princess Flashing Trainer Secret Compartment.

 

Laura bends to unlock her remaining left shoe, her helmet over-balances her to the extent that her helmet is on the ground and Laura is bent double.

 

L.:               Though what secrets a princess might have need to hide I’ve no idea. And a pink princess, even less... And why’s a princess wearing trainers?

 

Laura brings out a scroll: rolled and much-much too large to have come out’ve a shoe. She unrolls it...

 

L:                ...

 

(Her:           Well, c’mon!)

 

Laura:         No, I can’t read that.

 

(Him:          Why? Isn’t it in English? Can you not read it?)

 

(Master:      (Tutting) English? What d’ ye mean, English?)

 

(Him:          (Sighs) Sorry, Realmsian.

 

L.:               No, I can read it, but I’m not gonna.

 

(Her:           Hurry up! Just read it!)

 

L.:               No!

 

(Him:          But, I mean, you’ll have to eventually.)

 

L.:               Maybe, maybe not maybe.

 

(Him:          It’s the only way to get across, Laura. C’mon, do it for the quest, do it for the Labyyrinth! You owe it to the Labyyrinth!

 

L.:               ... I’m raising an eye-brow.

 

(Her:           Move it! There’s no other way.)

 

L.:               Well. Maybe something great will happen if only I hang around doing nothing for a while? ... Yes.

 

(Him:          The only other possible thing that could happen is that one of those failed actors might show up- not that that’s a good thing- and anyway, they’ve usually turned-up by now! So they obviously aint a-comin.)

 

L.:               There you are! That’s one good thing that aimlessly hanging around has achieved for me: peace of mind. If only I just use my patience, well! Who knows what I could achieve?

 

(Him:          Why don’t you just say the incantation, Laura?)

 

L.:               I don’t want to!

 

(Her:           You’re a cow, Laura.)

 

L.:               So’s you’re mommy!

 

(Her:           At least my mother‘s still alive.)

 

L.:               ...What do you mean?

 

(Him:          C’mon, Laura. All you have to do is say the spell and then we can get across here and get into the Whispering Woods!)

 

L.:               I don’t wanna say it! Mommy said never to use language like that and I promised never-ever to, again, and she’d be ever so angry if I did.

 

(Her:           Not where she is now.)

 

L.:               Cow!

 

(Master:      I understand your feelings, hale and hardly adventurette, some sorts of language are disgusting, but your mommy will understand if it’s only this once.)

 

(Her:           So get incantin’, Laura.)

 

L.:               Fine! “Abracadabra! Abracadabra! Abracadabra!”

 

A graphic of a golden span appears. Laura walks across it and appears to be walking thro’ the graphic.

 

(Master:      You mommy doesn’t like magic, Laura?)

 

L.:               That’s Hebrew, Master.

 

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Room 97, W.

 

There are stepping-stone graphics,leading to a darkened doorway.

 

L.:              Where am I?

 

(Him:          You’re on another stepping-stone graphic, there are more in-front’ve you, so...

 

In Seeing Chamber the Master and Slave are having a whispered conversation, the chatter of Him and Her becomes faint.

 

Master:       M’aaah, Slave, stepping-stones.

 

Slave:                   Mmmmm...

 

Master:       We first met on stepping stones... Do you remember our first meeting?

 

Slave:          I remember my first meating!

 

Master:       When first mine eye put the clap on you, you were on a stepping-stone. ... You were doing your nails...

 

Slave:          Well, I wasn’t doing my nails, Master: they were far too sharp for that.

 

Master:       Yes, you were filing them.

 

Slave:          ...First.

 

Master:       Oh, thee! Thou and thy double-entendres, thy of the dual meanings! That is why I love you so dearly: being able to fit two into where only one should go.

 

Slave:          (Very sibilant, again) Yesssths, I love ssslipping two meanings into where only one meaning shhhould ssslide, and meaning hasss ssso many meaningsss.

 

They snog: their lips pucker into a tiny ‘o’ and repeatedly peck each other while making a ‘kiss’ sound. Master breaks off and stares into Slave’s eyes.

 

Master:       No... Meaning has only one meaning, surely?

 

Slave:                   ...Meaning?

 

Master:       ... Innuendo?

 

Slave:                   Yesss! Deep in my endo!

 

In the meanwhile He and She have been directing Laura across the stepping-stones. Their voices now become distinct.

 

Him:           ...And-now-side-jump-right!

 

Him and Her give-out a couple of “Yes!”’s, and turn smiling, proud, expectant faces to Master and Slave.

Master and Slave both curl their lips at the children.

The children’s faces fall into angry disbelief; they look at each other and shake their heads in hatred...

 

(Laura:        ... Where am I?)

 

In Seeing Chamber Him, Her, Master, Slave, all curl their lips, shake their heads at one-another regarding Laura.

 

(Laura:        ...Hello)?