Fifty Shades of York

Published by: MarkR on 11th Sep 2012 | View all blogs by MarkR

Fifty Shades of York


            The story of virgin writers that do not have the skills or experience to build to a riveting climax. They are idealistic, naïve and vulnerable. Ripe for tough-love and a voyage of discovery that will hurt at times, but which may change their lives forever.


            Enter the professionals. Smiling and salivating at the appetites they will satisfy over 3-days of hedonism…on their terms. Go here. Do that. Listen. Write. Such detailed conditions to sign-up to and rules to obey. So many rules. Submissions they call them – it’s just word play.


 The agents and publishers administer strokes and slaps to an army of followers who, by now, would do anything for their patronage. The Doctors of Books break-in their steeds with careful praise and stern discipline. The uninitiated tremble at the echoing-crack of an Editor’s pencil.


Alcohol and intellectual stimulants are introduced, slowly at first, then by the bucket. Behaviours change, roles are adopted, inhibitions are re-written. This is the pattern. Two-thirds into the Festival and the writers are being told what to wear. It is dark and moist and inevitable that boundaries will be crossed. Irrevocably.


The writers succumb, of course. They need release, deliverance and the bitter-sweet loss of years of anticipation. They plead to their masters and their mistresses.

‘Oh please. I’m so close, I’m nearly there.’

Most remain unheard.

‘Can you? Please. Oh God. Yes…yes!’

            Beads of literary sweat signal desperation.

            ‘Now…please. I’m begging you.’

            It ends in unedifying surrender.


            ‘Anything you ask, just punctuate me. Punctuate me all night, baby!’



Fifty Shades of York


Beautifully written. Beautifully cast. An orgy. «««««



  • Ele
    by Ele 5 years ago
    Such honesty! Will you be there for the difficult sequel?!
  • Tony
    by Tony 5 years ago
    Ha ha. Wonderful, Mark. For one who claims at the start no skills in climaxing, you manage very well indeed by the time you reach the end!
  • Caducean Whisks
    by Caducean Whisks 5 years ago
    Great parody, Mark! I laughed at 'being told what to wear'. Conjures up so many funny images :)
  • John Taylor
    by John Taylor 5 years ago

    Er, (straightens clothes and lights up a Mars bar,) well... No comment...
  • MinxieAD
    by MinxieAD 5 years ago
    Ooooo, Mark... No wonder you're all exhausted by the end of the weekend!

    Good blog :)
  • Bren
    by Bren 5 years ago
    :) Great blog...maybe I don't need to go to York after all.
  • Debi
    by Debi 5 years ago
    Naughty but nice. ;-) Linked on my blog.
  • Tenacityflux
    by Tenacityflux 5 years ago
    That made me smile muchly!
  • The WordCloud
    by The WordCloud 5 years ago
    I've still got a semi-colon jammed in an orifice I hardly knew I had. It's getting a bit inflamed now, and how the heck do I explain it to my doctor?
  • Debi
    by Debi 5 years ago
    I think you might need semi-colonic irrigation ...
  • Tony
    by Tony 5 years ago
    Lol Debi!
  • JT
    by JT 5 years ago
    Brilliantly written. Sorry I missed the fun.
  • GippsGirl
    by GippsGirl 5 years ago
    Where do I sign?
  • Mcallan
    by Mcallan 5 years ago
    Well that's exactly how I remember it too! ;-)
  • Gels
    by Gels 5 years ago
    Haha, soooo this is how it is in York. No wonder you were looking forward to it :)

    So, next year? ...
  • Squidge
    by Squidge 5 years ago
    Brilliant, Mark!
  • Skylark
    by Skylark 5 years ago
    Love it! :-D
  • MarkR
    by MarkR 5 years ago
    Ele - I've been 3 years on the trot. I must love it.
    Tony - nice of you to say so. The beginning and middle are still issues though.
    Whisks - jackets and medals I think were mentioned. I did see a rather striking black leather holster though.
    Minxie, Bren, SthGIppsGirl, JT, Gels - many thanks. I really think you should experience it first hand. There's nothing like it ;-)
    The Wordcloud - Ying and Yang. I can see you were over-punctuated, I have the opposite problem. Of course a good book doctor will put you straight in just 10 minutes. Won't they Debi.
    John, Tenacity, Mac, Squidge, Skylark - of course you know the truth, 'cause you were there. Fun wasn't it.
  • Jenn
    by Jenn 5 years ago
    Oh Mark, only you could write such wonderful parody!
  • Neil Evans
    by Neil Evans 5 years ago
    Enjoyed this
  • MarkR
    by MarkR 5 years ago
    Thanks Neil.

    Jenn - Thanks, but it was all true. Room for one more next year. Hope to see more of your writing on here.
  • Autumn
    by Autumn 5 years ago
    :-D :-D :-D Love it. 'I'm nearly there' ha ha ha !

    I must say, I went to York for the 'slaps', but found the 'strokes' much more enjoyable...
  • MarkR
    by MarkR 5 years ago
    You're well on the way Autumn and we're cheering from the rafters. 8-)
    Slaps are over-rated. Strokes are something you could get used to.
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