Foreplay
Here's something awful I wrote last
summer.
____________________________________
Brief traces of irrupt silence were cut short by the clink of cutlery against the dishes; I only noticed as I reached towards my half-empty glass of wine that her head was tilted down towards her dinner. I held my glass to my lips as she looked up at me with vacant eyes. I gulped, proceeding to rest my elbow on the table. I didn't look right at her, she just sat in the corner of my eye waiting for me to say something between each uneasy breath. My heart felt heavy -- my insides seemed to fidget with every awkward inhale. A single candle struggled against nothing, pooling the air with dull light.
'Dinner's nice.' I said raising a single corner of my mouth upwards. She almost smiled.
'Same as I always make it.'
'We eating in silence tonight then.'
'You're not talking either.'
'Shall I put some music on or something?'
'Why? Am I that boring?'
'Why do you do that?'
'Do what?'
'Turn every little freaking thing against me.'
'I don't, David, I don't.'
'For Christ's sake Helen, tell me what's wrong. Please.'
'That's the thing, you know what it is.' She wasn't looking at me anymore. 'You feel it too.'
'Feel what? All I feel is you're not telling me something.'
'When did we last tell each other something?'
'So you're all of a sudden speaking in riddles.'
'Hah.' She laughed a I'm-done-trying laugh and forked some pasta into her mouth. Words swarmed in my throat, burning to be released; though I swallowed them back with the remainder of the wine.
'What happened to us?' I said, attempting to reduce the loudness in my tone.
'There you go!' she uttered.
'And it's my fault I guess, is that it?'
'No -- David, don't be stupid.' She shook her head. 'I'm sad, aren't you?'
'Sad. I can't put a word on it.'
'You know, I wake up every sodding morning remembering the times..' she choked on her words, and I stared at her. 'Remembering the times I'd wake with your arms around me; when every day would be - when every day would be an adventure. When you really kissed me, I mean really kissed me. I just - I just don't...know.' I spent the most painstaking ten seconds desperately thinking of what to say, I finally replied with.
'I'm sorry.' she shook her head at me, picked up her plate and turned towards the kitchen. I snuffed out the candle, pushed my chair back and followed her through the door. I stood, waiting until she turned around, and I opened my arms.
'Holding me isn't going to make it better.' she said, in a nerveless tone. 'Not anymore.'
'You're right, you're always right -'
'No I'm not.'
'I still love you.' A silence followed.
'David.' She wandered towards me, looked up at me, and tenderly placed one of her hands on the side of my cheek. 'I know. But there's no spark.'
'Then let's reignite it!'
'We can't be young again.'
'We're not old.'
'We don't even fuck like we used to.'
'But-'
'But what do we do when even the passion isgone?'
'Are you saying we should end this? We've been through worse shit than this''
'No we haven't, and I'm not saying that, David. I just know that one of us has to be brave enough to make a decision.'
'And what's your decision?'
'We owe ourselves more than a quick conversation in the kitchen.' She leant up and kissed my cheek, and clasped her fingers round my neck. I leant against the doorframe, nodding as she ventured upstairs. With a sheer abruptness I realised how much I needed her, I considered the eventuality of our relationship with overwhelming concern, and realised I'd never told her how in awe I was of her; she possessed the uncanny ability to settle from a tempestuous anger in mere seconds -- I wasn't aware that vehemence could sift from someone's eyes with such ease until I met her. I still felt her lips on my cheek; still felt her stare penetrate. I ran my hands through my hair.
'Fuck.' I edged my way back towards the table, to collect my empty dinner plate and wine glass. I recalled after we had dinner, we'd curl up on the couch together and watch television, or talk for hours about how we'd become millionaires and buy a mansion far away from here, how we'd chase the dreams we had when we were younger -- though recently she'd locked herself away with her books in her room, often falling asleep so when I crawled in next to her, I didn't feel the belonging, nor feel the longing when she kissed me in the morning.
* * *
I almost regretted not telling her I was going out to catch some fresh air, though my expectations that she'd guess where I'd gone were amiss. A sudden rain had caught me off guard so I stumbled into The Thorn, a local watering hole that we sometimes came to after dinner. Whilst sitting at the bar, I started to reminisce again, specifically to the time when I carried Helen home after we lost our legs celebrating our third anniversary. We made love on the couch, (and also a mess of the living room) the memory had etched itself in my mind. Maybe it was my mind telling me to consider the times we had together and not to let her go; still, when an old friend called me over to his table, and we started to reminisce times in our past, I knew it was because I needed to talk to someone; I lost track of myself, and of time, so when I trudged back four long pints later, I opened the door to a living room, lit only by the television on standby. Stair by creaking stair I expected Helen to be in her room, entertaining her thoughts, reading, or on the phone to her best friend, Christine -- but she wasn't. She was siting, cross legged, back against the headboard, greeting me with the coldest of stares.
'Where did you go?' she asked.
'Only out for some fresh air, I needed it.' I responded, removing my shoes; kicking them towards the corner.
'For three hours? You know what, David, you know what I thought?'
'What?'
'I mean you..you complain things aren't the same, and why aren't they? After that conversation? You go off and get pissed or something.'
'I'm not pissed, it started raining and I met and old friend who I haven't seen in ages. Besides you trotted upstairs quick enough.'
'I only came up to get dressed, I thought we ought to spend the night together somewhere -- a night together.' she clambered off the bed and approached her dresser. 'Talk about us. Guess not.'
'How am I meant to know that, Jeez! Why didn't you ring me?'
'We're going nowhere...oh, and I tried'
'A-'
'Before you say anything, I'm not pinning any blame on you, look at us though, look at us. What the hell's happening?'
'Pointless.'
'Arguing?'
'Yep. It's laughable really.' I said, perching on the egde of the bed.
'Oh?'
'Hah -- yeah, how pathetic we are.'
'Did we run out of steam?'
'You're convinced it's the end of us and I'm too scared to do anything.'
'I'm not convinced, I'm just...almost sure it's the tail end of us.'
'Maybe you expect too much.'
'Maybe I do.'
'Maybe I'm not perfect.'
'Maybe you don't find me sexy anymore and wanna go fuck other people.'
'You're an idiot!' I barked.
'Yeah?'
'I still think you're beautiful.'
'And what do I expect, David?'
'To be told that once in a while?'
'Told what?'
'That you're beautiful.'
'Mm. I don't feel it.' she turned with the small of her back against the drawers.
'You're still sexy.'
She approached me, quite slowly. 'Make me feel it.'
'Make you feel it?'
'Stop asking questions.'
I yanked her towards me; I caught her lips between mine, and I pushed her onto the duvet; pinning her down as our limbs locked, as our bodies pressed against each others, as her nails found my back the way they used to, as the words that hung like daggers in the air from before, escaped out of the open window; replaced by the groaning of each other's name. The silence between our heavy breaths was welcomed, mutually, I knew we both didn't care what happened in the morning, when the present was as fervent and passionate as it had ever been.
____________________________________
Brief traces of irrupt silence were cut short by the clink of cutlery against the dishes; I only noticed as I reached towards my half-empty glass of wine that her head was tilted down towards her dinner. I held my glass to my lips as she looked up at me with vacant eyes. I gulped, proceeding to rest my elbow on the table. I didn't look right at her, she just sat in the corner of my eye waiting for me to say something between each uneasy breath. My heart felt heavy -- my insides seemed to fidget with every awkward inhale. A single candle struggled against nothing, pooling the air with dull light.
'Dinner's nice.' I said raising a single corner of my mouth upwards. She almost smiled.
'Same as I always make it.'
'We eating in silence tonight then.'
'You're not talking either.'
'Shall I put some music on or something?'
'Why? Am I that boring?'
'Why do you do that?'
'Do what?'
'Turn every little freaking thing against me.'
'I don't, David, I don't.'
'For Christ's sake Helen, tell me what's wrong. Please.'
'That's the thing, you know what it is.' She wasn't looking at me anymore. 'You feel it too.'
'Feel what? All I feel is you're not telling me something.'
'When did we last tell each other something?'
'So you're all of a sudden speaking in riddles.'
'Hah.' She laughed a I'm-done-trying laugh and forked some pasta into her mouth. Words swarmed in my throat, burning to be released; though I swallowed them back with the remainder of the wine.
'What happened to us?' I said, attempting to reduce the loudness in my tone.
'There you go!' she uttered.
'And it's my fault I guess, is that it?'
'No -- David, don't be stupid.' She shook her head. 'I'm sad, aren't you?'
'Sad. I can't put a word on it.'
'You know, I wake up every sodding morning remembering the times..' she choked on her words, and I stared at her. 'Remembering the times I'd wake with your arms around me; when every day would be - when every day would be an adventure. When you really kissed me, I mean really kissed me. I just - I just don't...know.' I spent the most painstaking ten seconds desperately thinking of what to say, I finally replied with.
'I'm sorry.' she shook her head at me, picked up her plate and turned towards the kitchen. I snuffed out the candle, pushed my chair back and followed her through the door. I stood, waiting until she turned around, and I opened my arms.
'Holding me isn't going to make it better.' she said, in a nerveless tone. 'Not anymore.'
'You're right, you're always right -'
'No I'm not.'
'I still love you.' A silence followed.
'David.' She wandered towards me, looked up at me, and tenderly placed one of her hands on the side of my cheek. 'I know. But there's no spark.'
'Then let's reignite it!'
'We can't be young again.'
'We're not old.'
'We don't even fuck like we used to.'
'But-'
'But what do we do when even the passion isgone?'
'Are you saying we should end this? We've been through worse shit than this''
'No we haven't, and I'm not saying that, David. I just know that one of us has to be brave enough to make a decision.'
'And what's your decision?'
'We owe ourselves more than a quick conversation in the kitchen.' She leant up and kissed my cheek, and clasped her fingers round my neck. I leant against the doorframe, nodding as she ventured upstairs. With a sheer abruptness I realised how much I needed her, I considered the eventuality of our relationship with overwhelming concern, and realised I'd never told her how in awe I was of her; she possessed the uncanny ability to settle from a tempestuous anger in mere seconds -- I wasn't aware that vehemence could sift from someone's eyes with such ease until I met her. I still felt her lips on my cheek; still felt her stare penetrate. I ran my hands through my hair.
'Fuck.' I edged my way back towards the table, to collect my empty dinner plate and wine glass. I recalled after we had dinner, we'd curl up on the couch together and watch television, or talk for hours about how we'd become millionaires and buy a mansion far away from here, how we'd chase the dreams we had when we were younger -- though recently she'd locked herself away with her books in her room, often falling asleep so when I crawled in next to her, I didn't feel the belonging, nor feel the longing when she kissed me in the morning.
* * *
I almost regretted not telling her I was going out to catch some fresh air, though my expectations that she'd guess where I'd gone were amiss. A sudden rain had caught me off guard so I stumbled into The Thorn, a local watering hole that we sometimes came to after dinner. Whilst sitting at the bar, I started to reminisce again, specifically to the time when I carried Helen home after we lost our legs celebrating our third anniversary. We made love on the couch, (and also a mess of the living room) the memory had etched itself in my mind. Maybe it was my mind telling me to consider the times we had together and not to let her go; still, when an old friend called me over to his table, and we started to reminisce times in our past, I knew it was because I needed to talk to someone; I lost track of myself, and of time, so when I trudged back four long pints later, I opened the door to a living room, lit only by the television on standby. Stair by creaking stair I expected Helen to be in her room, entertaining her thoughts, reading, or on the phone to her best friend, Christine -- but she wasn't. She was siting, cross legged, back against the headboard, greeting me with the coldest of stares.
'Where did you go?' she asked.
'Only out for some fresh air, I needed it.' I responded, removing my shoes; kicking them towards the corner.
'For three hours? You know what, David, you know what I thought?'
'What?'
'I mean you..you complain things aren't the same, and why aren't they? After that conversation? You go off and get pissed or something.'
'I'm not pissed, it started raining and I met and old friend who I haven't seen in ages. Besides you trotted upstairs quick enough.'
'I only came up to get dressed, I thought we ought to spend the night together somewhere -- a night together.' she clambered off the bed and approached her dresser. 'Talk about us. Guess not.'
'How am I meant to know that, Jeez! Why didn't you ring me?'
'We're going nowhere...oh, and I tried'
'A-'
'Before you say anything, I'm not pinning any blame on you, look at us though, look at us. What the hell's happening?'
'Pointless.'
'Arguing?'
'Yep. It's laughable really.' I said, perching on the egde of the bed.
'Oh?'
'Hah -- yeah, how pathetic we are.'
'Did we run out of steam?'
'You're convinced it's the end of us and I'm too scared to do anything.'
'I'm not convinced, I'm just...almost sure it's the tail end of us.'
'Maybe you expect too much.'
'Maybe I do.'
'Maybe I'm not perfect.'
'Maybe you don't find me sexy anymore and wanna go fuck other people.'
'You're an idiot!' I barked.
'Yeah?'
'I still think you're beautiful.'
'And what do I expect, David?'
'To be told that once in a while?'
'Told what?'
'That you're beautiful.'
'Mm. I don't feel it.' she turned with the small of her back against the drawers.
'You're still sexy.'
She approached me, quite slowly. 'Make me feel it.'
'Make you feel it?'
'Stop asking questions.'
I yanked her towards me; I caught her lips between mine, and I pushed her onto the duvet; pinning her down as our limbs locked, as our bodies pressed against each others, as her nails found my back the way they used to, as the words that hung like daggers in the air from before, escaped out of the open window; replaced by the groaning of each other's name. The silence between our heavy breaths was welcomed, mutually, I knew we both didn't care what happened in the morning, when the present was as fervent and passionate as it had ever been.
0 Comments
Click here to sign up now.